Tag: Lessons I’m Learning

His name was Bryan

~ Denise ~ 4 Comments

They were just a few moments, just a few words, just a few things.  Words of greeting.  Words of encouragement.  Food for the belly.  A scratch on a dogs head.

We were just beginning to know his story.  He had learned to trust us enough to ask for help when he felt afraid and wanted a ride to another location.

Caring and loving of his only companion, his pal, his dog.

We had been wondering how he had been doing on the streets, because with his dog, he didn’t make use of the shelters, and we had been having  some particularly cold weather.  He had talked about going back to New Mexico.

Now, he has been found, having died from a stroke, his faithful companion beside him.

I didn’t really know what exactly I would think, or who I would be talking to when we started going downtown and feeding the homeless at the park…it is sort of  something you just start doing.

I do know that a strong impression I get is they really want you to recognize them.  They like if you remember them.  I mean, don’t we all like to be remembered?  Imagine, (well, I remember when) if you are feeling down on yourself, and people don’t even look at you, or acknowledge you, it’s like ‘remember me?’ So, I have been really trying to remember their names, and the pieces of their stories they tell us.  Isn’t that how people know they are important to us, when we remember stuff about them?  We may not always get everything right, but when we put forth the effort, it means something, you know?

I’ve been learning a lot of things from my new friends.  (I’ll try to blog about that some more.)  I’ve just been thinking some though about Bryan’s last words to us.

He had asked for a ride to the interstate  because he thought he wanted to get back to New Mexico.  He talked about how pretty it was.  He talked about some other things, but when we all shook hands, his last words were  to us “God bless you”.

You know, sometimes you think you are helping people in some small ways, and they turn out they are blessing you.  You think you are being God’s hand’s and feet and maybe it’s the other way around sometimes.

Too often the assumption is made that the homeless aren’t “spiritual” or “Christian”.  Well, I’ve had some pretty “spiritual” and insightful conversations with a few individuals.  Oh, they don’t fit that pretty little box that society has for them, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be “Jesus with skin on” too.  Maybe, just maybe their ministry is walking around in that pit of despair helping those who need it.   Don’t tell them to get out of the pit, or tell them how wrong they are, maybe they are supposed to be there helping the others.  Maybe, that’s their purpose.

I am sure there is much more for me to learn from our new friends.  Right now I’m just going to remember the last moments with Bryan.  Remembering him talking with us.  Remembering his eyes.  Remembering him talking and petting his dog.  Remembering his blessing.

Operation Soup and Smokes

A great book to read about homelessness

What do you want to be remembered for?

~ Denise ~ 2 Comments

I was thinking about that question….and actually I thought about it in reverse.   If that even makes sense.  (Well it does in my mind, sorry)

I was remembering encountering hypocritical, judgmental people in my life.  Sometimes that gulp was is even me.  And I was thinking well, I don’t want to be remembered for being someone who judged  people all the time, I want to be someone who was remembered for being as accepting as they could be and as loving as they could be.

Now if I have one, correction, make that one of my “hot buttons” is judging people.  We all have at one time, or all do it.  This is something though that I really am sensitive too and fight really hard not to do.  Do I fail at times?  I know I do.  But, I continually try.  That’s because I know what being judged feels like.  I talked about that a while back.

I guess I’ve been thinking about it a little more because of spending time talking with our new friends that we’ve encountered at Finley Park.  They are a mixed bunch of souls.  I could put labels on them like the rest of society does regarding the homeless, however, I am trying to learn their names.  Do I think that everything they are telling me is the absolute truth.  Probably not.  It’s not my place to be their judge.  I’ve only been asked to show kindness and love.

You know everybody gets in a pit, and everybody’s pit is different.  Guess what, you and I will be in a pit again or are already in one.  It’s called life, it happens.  And when you are in a pit, and don’t have hope, the last thing you want to hear is “you should do such and such” or “why are you doing that” or “you should know better”.  Then there are the well meaning people who “throw tracts” down at you in the pit or tell you to “just go to church” while you are in the pit.  “Bless their hearts”.

Sorry, that didn’t work for me, when I was in my pit long ago.  It was the people who loved me for who I was, in spite of who I was.  It was the people who didn’t give up on me, who stayed with me, didn’t ignore me, and walked beside me, listened and talked to me while I was in the pit.  That didn’t mean they liked what I was doing.  I never felt that they did.  However, I did feel that they cared, respected me and loved me.  Once I realized that they accepted and cared for me the way I was, then I was open to allowing God heal my heart again.  (I didn’t realize it at the time that He was already healing it through the loving people around me).

Now I have a favorite passage of scripture that talks about the Judge, being judged, and being accepted.

John 8

1But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. 2At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. 3The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery.

Caught in adultery.  That would mean in a state of undress.  Exposed.  Nothing hidden from anyone.  I can just feel her shame, I can feel the heat on her cheeks.  I also wonder why didn’t they bring the man?  Wasn’t he just as much to blame?  (That because when I usually am caught in any sin of mine, I usually want to bring people along with me.  Look all the way back to Adam and Eve,  “this woman you gave me”, “the serpent made me do it”.  Ok, I’m digressing here on some other scriptures.) From the first time I really read this passage, I could feel the rejection and the ridicule of the public alienation of those around her.  I could connect with that.

They made her stand before the group 4and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” 6They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

So, they didn’t care about her at all.  That’s why they didn’t bring the man.  It was really just a trap for Jesus.  Imagine how used she must have felt.  Yes, she had responsibility for her actions, but still nobody likes to be a pawn.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

The Bible doesn’t say what Jesus wrote.  The only place in the Bible that I can see where Jesus wrote and it doesn’t say what he wrote.  I like though what my friend Rebecca had to say about this passage during one of her pits.   Just substitute your name and birthday.

9At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there.

The part of the passage that I don’t like comparing myself to is the people holding the stones.  Yet, we have all been there.  Holding our collective stones at one time or another.  It is just the person in the circle has been different.  The “sin” has been different.  So, I try hard not to hold any stones in my hand.  It is hard.  Hard because we are all sinners.

Romans 3:23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God

But back to the woman.  Can’t you imagine she was peeking between her fingers while she was cowering there, as her accusers left one by one.  And then she is left standing there with Jesus.  Why does she stay?  Because she knows she is guilty.  Does that last bit of pride keep her there?  Pride?  Yes, even when we know we are wrong I know I am wrong, we I stubbornly hold on.  She knows here is one who can throw a stone.  Will he?

10Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

11“No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

Jesus knew the change of her heart.  Would she sin again?  Yes, because we are all sinners.  Would she sin in that particular way?  The Bible doesn’t say.

It just makes me love Jesus more when you know He loves you in the junk before you even admit the crap.  Talk about acceptance and love.

I want to be remembered for helping people feel a piece of that.

Saturday Morning Chat

~ Denise ~ 4 Comments

Had a nice visit with my Aunt and Uncle (my mother’s brother) two Saturdays ago.  Well not an actual visit. It was more of a phone visit.  I just had the urge to call Saturday morning and well, did it.  We talked for a good hour.  My Aunt is battling ovarian cancer.  Her spirits are high though, and we caught up on things, and talked about family…both living and gone.

It was a bittersweet conversation in some ways because July 5th was the anniversary of my mother’s death 26 years ago to the same disease.  Since I was on speakerphone I was able to hear my Uncle’s comments too about my mother.

I never really talked much about my mother, and it was a few years ago that I realized that it was partially because I never allowed myself to fully grieve for her.  Grieving for her used to involve guilt.  Thinking about her death reminded me of pain.  Not just the pain of losing her, but the pain from the period of my life.   It was when she was fighting cancer and dieing that the the JW’s were fighting against me and in the process of disfellowshipping me.

The JW’s disfellowshipped me while Mom was still alive,  and my Grandmom told me that  she told my Mom she thought the whole thing was ridiculous, and that Mom shouldn’t go to the Kingdom Hall (what the JW’s call their church) when they publicly announced it; but Mom went anyway.  My mother was stubborn, she wouldn’t let anyone know if you hurt her, she would hold her head up.  Mom and I didn’t talk much about the whole disfellowshipping process.   Dad was the one who usually had something to say to me about it, usually the one who voiced his disappointment.  I distanced myself from home, because I always felt like I was disappointing them when I came home, not good enough.  (Why can’t  Dad’s sometimes realize saying “I’m disappointed in you” can mean the same as “you’re not good enough”?)  There were some “fine-upstanding JW’s” that told me that perhaps my mother was sick because of my behavior.  So guilt was with me.  I visited Mom.  But looking back, I used my work as more of an excuse than I needed to.  I could have spent more time with her.  I protected myself from the pain.

I was there though, at the initial surgery delivering the first cancer blow, at the last surgery, when they just closed her up saying they couldn’t do anything, and in the room when she drew her last breath.   At my mother’s funeral, many visitors came to pay their final respects.  For a while I stayed at the casket with my father and my sister and brother.  All but two of the JW’s that I known growing up passed by me in silence.  One or two would look at me with disapproving frowns.  I wasn’t particularly greeted standing with my father, sister and brother at the casket;  and when I overheard my father introduce my siblings to people and completely ignore me, I left and sat with my Grandmother off to the side.  I didn’t know if anyone else noticed the whole thing, I just remember having my head down, trying to hide the tears until I could control them and put my head up again.  I found out later that it was obvious to others, and my mother’s brothers were furious.  So to protect myself emotionally from that pain I didn’t think about that time.  Unfortunately, I didn’t think then about my mother.

I didn’t realize it back then, but God was continuing to direct people around me, encouraging me not to give up on Him.  (My initial reaction to the disfellowshipping was anger against God.  It wasn’t until later that I realized it was a denomination, not God that I was mad at.)  Two such individuals were my Aunt and Uncle.  Actually, most of  my mother’s side of the family, one of my father’s sisters and one niece came to support my wedding day October of 1984; three months after Mom’s death.  My father, brother and sister would not attend.  My Uncle walked me down the aisle, and my Grandmother filled the shoes of my Mom.  My mother’s family has always continued to love and support me.

The other part.  I’ve worked through that.    Parents that are supposed to love you unconditionally that don’t, well – you have to forgive them for it or it will eat at you.  I didn’t tell Dad I forgave him.  He really doesn’t talk to me.  Forgiving people who hurt you eases your pain.   Part of the process was to realize the mistakes that I did make.  Accept the grace.  Then the hard part…forgive myself. That took the longest time.  Understanding the grace, realizing my sins, confessed, have been forgiven andforgotten.  Grace – undeserved, given freely as a gift.

Sins forgotten. Pain eased. I’m not going to lie and say that sometimes it doesn’t cause a certain degree of sadness to think of memories associated with those times.  However, I can say that there is no pain, no anguish.  I feel a sadness for the individuals who really don’t know any better than what twisted “truths” they have been taught.

Now I can sit and talk about Mom and we can remember pleasant memories.  However, I can also sit and talk about her battle with cancer and her last days.  I can talk with my Aunt and Uncle about the conversations they had with her.  These conversations though while sad, can still bring joy because the pain is gone.

Feelings…Nothing More Than Feelings…..

~ Denise ~ Leave a comment

Feelings…nothing more than feelings….

Remember that song?  That tune is stuck in my head, of course I can’t remember all the lyrics.  (I have them here, somewhere in my sheet music, but that is too much work…it is enough satisfaction if you now have the tune stuck in YoUr head right now.)

We get stuck in feelings.  Especially us women.  We seem to be such emotional beings.  I mean I know it’s not just me.

I mean I hope it’s not just me.

It is when we are stuck in our feelings that we are playing the game of life.  Sometimes playing that game of life can make us disconnected and discouraged and we may not FEEL God’s presence.  I was reminded the other day, thankfully, God’s presence ISN’T about OUR feelings.  He is ALWAYS with us…even when we don’t feel like it.  He is always with us and always sees us.  We are fearfully and wonderfully made by the hands of one who knows everything about us.  He designed us to find Him.

For many years I read about people having a “life book or verse” from the Bible.  I thought that would be neat.  However, I never felt like I had one.  There were scriptures that I liked, but no one particular verse or book that I felt was “my life”.  It wasn’t until a few years ago, that while reading through the Psalms that Psalm 139 struck me.

“O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.  You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.  Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.” Psalm 139: 1-4

That’s true Lord.  You’ve known me all these years.  You’ve watched me.  You’ve known my thoughts, you knew what I was going to do and say before I did.  (I remember talking to you about some of those things.) You will continue to know me.  You will continue to know the words on my tongue before I even say them.  (Help me bite my tongue when I need to.)

“You hem me in – behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.  Such knowledge is to wonderful for me, too lofty me to attain.” Psalm 139:5-6

You’ve kept with me Lord, kept me under your scrutiny, (even when I didn’t want it). I confess I don’t understand everything about you Lord.  There are somethings that are too lofty for my mind to comprehend.

“Where can I go from your Spirit?  Where can I go from your presence?  If I go to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.  If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,’ even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.” Psalm 139:7-12

I tried to hide from you Lord.  I know I tried to pretend you couldn’t see me in the darkness those many years ago.  I can’t use the excuse I was young, I knew better.  I was just hiding.  (I didn’t like me, why would you?)

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:13

“You have this flaw” Satan whispers to us; whispered to me over and over.  “More than one!” he tells us.  We need to remember Satan is the father of lies!  God doesn’t make junk!  Look around, look at creation. Look at the beauty!  Now read that verse again.  I’ve read this over and over.  Now when I read these verses it has the power to bring tears to my eyes.  The Maker of the universe purposely knit me!  His works are wonderful!  His works have a purpose.  I am one of his works.  He knit me together with a plan, a purpose.  He created ME, He knit ME, I am fearfully and wonderfully made, His works ARE wonderful!     Now think of yourself in that scripture.  He purposely knit YOU!   YOU are one of His wonderful works!

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139: 14-16

Lord, you make me feel so special that you took such care of forming me in my mother’s womb, caring for me there, seeing me there, ordaining all my days, even before one of them came to be.

“How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!  How vast is the sum of them!  Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.  When I awake, I am still with you.” Psalm 139:17-18

How thankful I am for your thoughts of us…your precious gift..your saving grace….you thought of each of us on the cross…you thought of me..

“If only you would slay the wicked, O God!  Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!  They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.  Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD, and abhor those who rise up against you?  I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.” Psalm 139:19-22

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.”  Psalm 139:23

Continue to search me Lord, test me, work in me, know my anxious thoughts…..guard my heart and my mind.

“See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”  Psalm 139:24

Examine me, keep me true.  Holy Spirit work in me.

We all want to be known and loved, whether we admit it or not.

Loved.  Now don’t you feel loved after reading Psalm 139?

Now ThAT is a feeling……

4-27 Tapestry

~ Denise ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes I get anxious to see the other side of the tapestry.  All I can see are the knots.  And there have been some big knots.  I mean when the threads of our lives have woven and inter-woven so many times and it looks like one big jumbled mess, I’d just like to see what the final picture looks like.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11

I get that, but I have to admit that sometimes I struggle with my little mustard seed of faith when I see the jumble of threads and knots.

I could pretend that I have it all together all the time, and don’t have questions and struggle with things.

But who would I be kidding?

Not my family, not my friends.  Not anyone who really knows me.

I was pondering and feeling more than a little inadequate with my little mustard seed of faith about the matter, when I opened my emails and happened upon my daily devotion for the day:

John 3:27 we find a simple but powerful truth, “God in heaven appoints each person’s work” (NLT). John explained that because God had given him his work, he had to continue it until God called him to do something else. Amos raised sheep until God called him to be a prophet proclaiming God’s message to others. If you are following God’s blueprint for your life, your job is part of your life plan and you are successful. God can and will work through you to do extraordinary things, no matter how “ordinary” your occupation may be in the eyes of man.

I know there are days when the will of God seems completely wrong and we do not understand. We are treading water, desperately longing to see Him walking on the treacherous waves toward us, rescue in His hand. It is in those shadowed moments that we must choose to trust the Plan Maker because His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. One day, every one of our question marks will be yanked into exclamation points as we see that high plan as He sees it – perfect! – Mary Southerland (Girlfriends in God)

Here was a message that I needed to hear, delivered at the right time.  I don’t know why it still surprises me when that happens.  Instead of focusing on the knots, I need to focus on the beauty of the individual threads and colors.  I need to be thankful for the gifts and abilities that He has given, and trust Him to guide my steps and decisions.

I know this.  I just need to be reminded sometimes.