Tag: Jesus

Fear

~ Denise ~ 8 Comments

Some people write their blogs and have the confidence to push the blue publish button without fear.

Some don’t.

Too often, I fall into the second group.  That is probably why I write in my journal more than I write here on my blog.

Fear of rejection.  Fear of ridicule.  Fear of my own failings.

Well, I’ve been thinking about fear.

It isn’t only in writing that fear rears it’s ugly head in my life.  I really don’t like writing that.  I like to think that I am a strong person.  Writing that sentence makes me feel weak.

I’ve thought about all the different areas that fear has influenced/influences me over the course of my life.

I’ve been a people pleaser, I’ve feared confrontation, I’ve feared ridicule for what I believe in and who I am.  I’ve feared getting hurt.  Fear of the unknown, I like a plan.

Some of those fears come back to haunt me now and then.  Sigh.

That is when I try to remind/question myself, ‘what is  at the root of my particular fear’?

When I get through the layers, and face it, for me it is a lack of trust.

I’m not trusting Him.

We’ve been walking through the book of Exodus on Sunday mornings at Sandhills Community Church.  (Podcasts are available on their webpage).

I am being reminded that we/I am like the Israelites.  They too had trouble with fear.  They too had trouble with trust.

Over and over God took the Israelites, or us  to dilemmas that they, or us  don’t know the answers for to see if we will call out to Him to provide.   For me it has been in areas of family relationships, health, finances and jobs.  Some of those He repeated, I obviously needed to learn something.   As He said to the Israelites, He is saying to me:  “Do you trust Me?”

As the Israelites were afraid of the unknown then, so am I at times.

Are you facing any fears/Egyptians today?  If so, I’d like to encourage you to try what has helped me.

Recognize the fear, give it to Jesus and then you will find you are no longer afraid.  Is it always easy?  No.  Is it worth it.  Yes!  Too often it is after the dilemma that we look back and see the blessing.  That is one thing I have noticed in reading my journal.  You can go back and see the blessings.  So I would encourage you to trust, be still, so you don’t miss it.  Blessings to you gentle reader!  No fear for that “blue publish button!”  🙂

“Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid.  Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring today.  The Egyptians you see today you will never see again.  The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.”  Exodus 14:13-14

“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”  Psalm 46: 10

“The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.”  Psalm 46:11

Just Some Words?

~ Denise ~ 2 Comments

Compassion –  definition of compassion:  sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it

On Thursday I drafted a post (which I’m now glad I didn’t post) about a blog that I stumbled upon around a year.  My original draft included a link to the blog; fellow bloggers like ping-backs and the recognition.  I’ve decided against naming the blog because of their recent post which was put up and then removed.

This blogger writes about their life after losing their job and returning to living with their parents.  Some posts I find down right funny.  The posts are well written.  Some posts I find sad.  I can feel the writer’s pain.  Some posts I wonder, even if there is a fictional aspect to the material, how the blogger’s parents (particularly the Mother) would feel if she read the blog.  I guess it is because I am slightly older, okay, middle age, fine, in my mid-50’s and probably close to the blogger’s mother’s age than I’d like to think about.  There have been times when I’ve wondered how would I feel if I knew my children were saying things like that about me?  I would be very hurt.  It’s like I want to know the rest of the story, why do they act the way they do?

Sometimes the way the blogger makes fun of them is well, just plain mean.  But that is just what I think at times.  I often think of the expression “hurting people, hurt people”.

I noticed last night the blogger wrote a post that their parents found out about their blog.  The blogger is trying to produce a web series and a family member posted about it.  Surprise, their parents found out about it.   Their post said it was “weird” at the house and their parents weren’t talking to them.  There were about 7 comments from people saying things like “no big deal”, “what is the harm” “it is comedy” things along those lines.  I rarely comment on that blog.  I choose to yesterday.  I could feel the pain of all of them.  I wanted to help in some way.  I prayed for the right words.  Sometimes, I’m not sure if I “hear” right or if I’m just going off in my own direction.  I finally just sent this off with a prayer:

Comedy can be funny, or it can be mean and is left up to the reader to discern.  Only you know the intentions behind your words.  Only you can explain what you meant to your parents or they are left to their own assumptions.  Talk to them and it won’t be weird anymore.  Don’t worry they will still give you lots of material.  🙂

Words spoken in anger, and hurt can not be taken back and always have consequences.  Words are powerful and accountable.

…For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.  The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.  But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgement for every careless word they have spoken.  For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned. – Matt. 12:14-37

I think about words that I have spoken in anger and hurt over the course of my life, and will probably be guilty of doing again. How about those thoughts, or words in my head, left unspoken, but heard by God?  Sigh.  None of us are exempt.

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.  If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.  1 John 1:8

Thankfully, there is forgiveness and peace for all who seek it.

This blogger reminds me to keep a watch over my words.

Search me, O God, and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.  Psalm 139:23-24

Thank you Jesus for forgiving me when I need it.  Thank you Jesus for all you have done for me/us.

I pray for Him to be known, really known in that family.  I pray for them to experience His peace.   My prayer is also for whomever reads this to experience His peace.

“Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me”.

~ Denise ~ 8 Comments

There is a documentary that will soon be released that I’ve been interested in.  Interested enough that I’ve been following their website and their Facebook page.

It is called Truth Be Told.  A feature length documentary exploring the lives of former Jehovah’s Witnesses and how being raised as such shaped their lives.

I believe it deals with the emotional toils of ex-JW’s quite well.  I think it is worth your time to check it out.  Private screenings have started, and here is a short video of one person’s opinion.

Shunning is such a “foreign” concept for a lot of people – unless you experience it.
It is uncomfortable to talk about.  Many just hide their pain.  (Most times, if I am feeling pain, I do.)

One thing that I noticed about being an ex-JW though and not often expressed is a feeling of shame.  Not the shame that the JW’s want you to feel.  I mean that’s their reason for shunning you in the first place, treat you wrong, shame you, and then you will turn from your behavior and return to them.

This is a different kind of shame.  (I may not even be able to explain this very well, but here goes.)

They (JW’s)  have already instilled that instinct (shame) in you, so that poison sits there and seeps out in other ways.  Logically you may know you don’t deserve to be treated the way you are and other people will tell you don’t deserve to be treated that way either.  However, continual shunning by family and people that you have known your whole life can twist a web of lies within your mind to somehow think you deserve this treatment.    The occasional (if that even happens) conversation with your family includes things like “you know better” thus reinforcing the “you deserve this” mentality.

So, even though you may logically, rationally, spiritually and from a scriptural  point see they are treating you wrong, their continual avoidance can trigger shame.

Shame to tell your story.  Shame to explain to new people you meet why you don’t have family around.  Sometimes others will unwittingly contribute to this, should you tentatively try to discuss your story, if you misinterpret their uncomfortable silence or quick change of topic.

Shame you don’t constantly confront your family.  By not constantly confronting them, you feel like they win, and then they think they are justified and correct in what they are doing and thinking.  Logically though you understand you can’t change anyone.

Then there is the shame you even fell for the manipulation of the organization.  The lies you believed they told you.  Those same lies you repeated.

I think that is what gets me the most.  I dislike manipulation.  Probably because  I like being in control of myself (another problem I have).    When I find I’m being manipulated or lied to it really triggers pain and hurt.

When you figure out that you’ve been manipulated and lied to, there is this shame that you didn’t figure it out earlier.  It’s like you say to yourself, “Hey, I’m not dumb, why didn’t I see this?”

It doesn’t matter if you were raised in it.  You still feel that way.  You hate to admit that you were played.  Nobody likes being played.

I’ve found the best way to get rid of the shame was giving it a voice.  Giving my story a voice.  Every time I told someone I was an ex-JW it became easier.  Every time I told someone my story it released more pain.

Does that mean there are times when I don’t feel sorrow or hurt?  No.

Sometimes a memory will come and I can be sad.

However, I can tell you that all the deep pain, hurt, shame and bitterness is gone.  That was laid at the foot of the Cross.  With amazing grace, I was found.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me….
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

T’was Grace that taught…
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear…
the hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares…
we have already come.
T’was Grace that brought us safe thus far…
and Grace will lead us home.

The Lord has promised good to me…
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be…
as long as life endures.

When we’ve been here ten thousand years…
bright shining as the sun.
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise…
then when we’ve first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me….
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

The Promised Land

~ Denise ~ 2 Comments

Today I was lowered into a tub of water.   Renewed, refreshed, and washed cleaned.

I was 15 the first time I was baptized, young, giving my life to God as I understood him; however I was also a Jehovah’s Witness.  Being baptized as a JW means you are baptized into that cult.  At the time I didn’t fully understand the ramifications.

As I questioned the hypocrisy and the teachings of the JW’s, I moved out and disassociated myself from them in my early 20’s, however, they still considered me a JW.  The witnesses, or my parents, looked for a reason to take action against me I guess, sort of an “example”.  Often one of my parents would try to call or stop by my apartment to try to “catch me” in some sort of sin.  By the year 1984, I found myself dealing with a roller coaster of emotions.  In the Spring, the JW’s disfellowshipped/shunned me after a prompting by my father stating I was not living a Christian life to their standards.   During the early part of July, we buried my mother after a cancer battle, and my father denied my presence at the casket when JW’s approached.    Later, in October, I was married, and my father boycotted attending our wedding and my siblings felt pressured to follow his example.

I felt betrayed, abandoned, unworthy and unloved by my father and siblings.   Mainly by my father.

It took me quite a few stubborn, bitter years to acknowledge my part in any of my sins for how the JW’s have treated me.

“If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us”.  1 John 1:8

It wasn’t until Oct, 1988 that I was able to reconcile my life to God, and started my spiritual awakening and understanding of Jesus Christ.

Understanding Jesus and what He has done for me was like a refreshing drink of water to a thirsty soul.

Grace a gift, freely given.

Sins, once confessed, are then forgotten.

“As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us”  Psalm 103:12

People, were the ones that were continually judging and condemning me, not God.  Not only could I forgive my family, I could forgive myself.  Looking back, I can see how he has used some of those desert wandering years.  One day I will understand all the pieces.

I re-affirmed my baptism in the Lutheran Church, however, I would still think about it once in a while.   The whole JW thing would still haunt me at times.   I’d talk to different pastors about it.  I was told re-baptism wasn’t necessary and/or they’d forget about it.  So, I’d stop thinking about it, for awhile.

I didn’t want to negate that I originally gave my life to YAHWEH and Jesus that I knew and loved at that time, just negate the cult.  I’d wonder:  how confusing would it be to see me doing it again, and I’d think I would have to explain my story.  For years I didn’t want to talk about my experiences with the JW’s.  See, I was in control of my story.  Who I told, and who I didn’t.

However, it started coming to my mind again.  Recently during my small group, it came up.  Actually, I brought it up, and the girls said to me, usually if God wants you to do something he will keep bringing something to your mind.   I was reminded that my understanding was a more mature understanding, not the youthful understanding I had.  I most definitely had spiritually grown.

So I deliberately prayed about it.

“Okay Lord, if this is something you want me to do, nag me about it.  Hound me about this.  I mean ALL the time, so much that I HAVE to come to a decision of either doing it or accepting I’m okay with where I am.  Resolve this for me.  I don’t want to not do this because of pride, what will people think, I want to be obedient to you, so hound me Lord.  Oh, and if it’s not too much trouble; on Sunday, let there be a message about baptism to confirm it.”

That Sunday there was a message about upcoming baptisms and Jeff talked about Jehovah’s Witnesses in his sermon.  Does God have a sense of humor or what?

These last few weeks we’ve been studying about Exodus on Sunday mornings.  The last few years I’ve been studying, reading and re-reading the Old Testament.

I don’t think this is a coincidence.  This is a God-incidence.  This is a God’s thumb print puzzle piece.

Over and over again YAHWEH asks his people – do you trust me?

Over and over again He’s asked me – do you trust me?

Time and time again he’s told His people:

Yes, you’ve seen struggle in finances, health, jobs and relationships.  My power is made perfect in weaknesses.  I am in control.

You try to control things and it never works out the way you ‘think it should’.  Dear one, I’m glad you want to help, but give in.  I am in control.

You’ve had people hurt you and others you love with sinful and unloving behavior.  I love them as much as I love you.  I am in control.

You’ve been betrayed and abandoned by people who you’ve trusted.  I was, I am, I will be.  I AM NOT LEAVING YOU.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”  John 3:16

My JW life has been dead and gone, and now it has been washed clean from me.  My life and story is His to control as He sees fit.

I see the Promised Land.  I want to cross over.

Dreamy Morning

~ Denise ~ 5 Comments

Had a dream this morning.  One that I remember.

I was dreaming about a wedding.  A wedding that I needed to hurry and get to.  One that I wasn’t dressed correctly for.   Outside it was beautiful and sunny, and people were hurrying to get inside.  Women were dressed in long, light, pastel, flowing dresses.

I was in shorts.  The kind of shorts you wear in your yard to garden in, and don’t care if they get messed up or who sees them.  Yeah, those shorts.

I was carrying two plastic bags, one of which I instinctively knew had in it a long, light flowing dress.  I thought I need to get this dress on, I’m supposed to be here, but I’m not dressed right.  I don’t recall what was in the other bag.

I remember getting a message, or the impression (you know how dreams work) that my best friend was waiting for me in the restroom, and that she didn’t want the wedding to start until I got there.  She could only wait another 65 or 67 seconds (it was one or the other that I heard, and I wondered why she was so specific).  So I knew I must hurry.

I was trying to get there, guests were hurrying past me, but I kept getting stopped, or distracted by people and would talk to them.  I remember having a discussion with a couple about a home they were looking at.  I stopped to notice the children playing in the aisle.  I mean, really, why couldn’t I get a move on it!

I started thinking again about my appearance.  I thought maybe I should just sneak around this corner, I could get to where she was and quickly change before the wedding and nobody would see me dressed this way.  However, doors opened, and it was the main aisle.  All of a sudden more doors opened and now the aisle was wide and there wasn’t any way to go around it you had to cross it.

Three or four middle aged women in “apron-clad” kitchen dresses, also carrying plastic bags, choose to cross the aisle, but not in a hurried way.  They didn’t seem concerned with their dresses nor their plastic bags.  They swayed and danced, swinging their bags.  I joined them at the outskirts of the circle, and found myself in a side room in front of a counter with stools.  The woman behind the counter asked me if I had my “strands” (here it sounded like ‘strands’, or I don’t recall the word she said).  I shook my head.  I didn’t know what she was talking about.  (I got the impression, it was something I needed, I had to have brought or bought.)  I started to feel sad and inadequate, and late.

One middle aged lady stepped up and counted what seemed like $10-15 and said “Denise, don’t you remember ‘mumble mumble‘ had me get this for you” (that’s what it sounded like anyway)  Another lady stepped up and purchased or handed over money for me.

I just remember feeling overcome with emotion from the love and and dropping my head.

Soothing words started coming into my thoughts.  With my head bowed, I could see an older male presence to my right.  I knew this was an older male by his hand.   While his left arm pulled my shoulder close, my head dropped and rested on his chest, while I glazed at the right hand which seemed familiar.  It was moving, getting ready to stroke my head.  I sensed I knew this hand.

My first thought was is this hand my earthly Dad’s?   Then, immediately, I thought, no, this is Abba, Pappa.  This is Abba, Pappa.  This is my real daddy.  This is God coming to comfort me.  Telling me, He is here, He is telling me He has always been here.  Everything is okay.

It was then I woke up.

Maybe you are inclined to think dreams are just jumbled up things, and don’t make sense.  Maybe you think you can make logical sense out of dreams.

I believe this dream was an affirmation of a decision that I had made three weeks ago and had been thinking and journaling about prior to a posting that I am working on and plan to post this later this weekend.

Part of this process is blogging about what I think, regardless of what I fear a reader will think.  Remember, I’m on this getting rid of clutter thing (A.k.a. C.C.).  That includes clutter of my mind.  Fear of what people think is something I’m working on.

You’ve been duly warned.  🙂

Ezekiel 34

~ Denise ~ 1 Comment

Ezekiel 34

The LORD Will Be Israel’s Shepherd

1 The word of the LORD came to me: 2 “Son of man, prophesy against the shepherds of Israel; prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign LORD says: Woe to you shepherds of Israel who only take care of yourselves! Should not shepherds take care of the flock? 3 You eat the curds, clothe yourselves with the wool and slaughter the choice animals, but you do not take care of the flock. 4 You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost. You have ruled them harshly and brutally. 5 So they were scattered because there was no shepherd, and when they were scattered they became food for all the wild animals. 6My sheep wandered over all the mountains and on every high hill. They were scattered over the whole earth, and no one searched or looked for them.

7 “‘Therefore, you shepherds, hear the word of the LORD: 8 As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign LORD, because my flock lacks a shepherd and so has been plundered and has become food for all the wild animals, and because my shepherds did not search for my flock but cared for themselves rather than for my flock, 9 therefore, you shepherds, hear the word of the LORD: 10 This is what the Sovereign LORD says: I am against the shepherds and will hold them accountable for my flock. I will remove them from tending the flock so that the shepherds can no longer feed themselves. I will rescue my flock from their mouths, and it will no longer be food for them.

11 “‘For this is what the Sovereign LORD says: I myself will search for my sheep and look after them. 12 As a shepherd looks after his scattered flock when he is with them, so will I look after my sheep. I will rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on a day of clouds and darkness. 13 I will bring them out from the nations and gather them from the countries, and I will bring them into their own land. I will pasture them on the mountains of Israel, in the ravines and in all the settlements in the land. 14 I will tend them in a good pasture, and the mountain heights of Israel will be their grazing land. There they will lie down in good grazing land, and there they will feed in a rich pasture on the mountains of Israel. 15 I myself will tend my sheep and have them lie down, declares the Sovereign LORD. 16 I will search for the lost and bring back the strays. I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak, but the sleek and the strong I will destroy. I will shepherd the flock with justice.

17 “‘As for you, my flock, this is what the Sovereign LORD says: I will judge between one sheep and another, and between rams and goats. 18 Is it not enough for you to feed on the good pasture? Must you also trample the rest of your pasture with your feet? Is it not enough for you to drink clear water? Must you also muddy the rest with your feet? 19 Must my flock feed on what you have trampled and drink what you have muddied with your feet?

20 “‘Therefore this is what the Sovereign LORD says to them: See, I myself will judge between the fat sheep and the lean sheep. 21 Because you shove with flank and shoulder, butting all the weak sheep with your horns until you have driven them away, 22 I will save my flock, and they will no longer be plundered. I will judge between one sheep and another. 23 I will place over them one shepherd, my servant David, and he will tend them; he will tend them and be their shepherd. 24 I the LORD will be their God, and my servant David will be prince among them. I the LORD have spoken.

25 “‘I will make a covenant of peace with them and rid the land of savage beasts so that they may live in the wilderness and sleep in the forests in safety. 26 I will make them and the places surrounding my hill a blessing. I will send down showers in season; there will be showers of blessing. 27 The trees will yield their fruit and the ground will yield its crops; the people will be secure in their land. They will know that I am the LORD, when I break the bars of their yoke and rescue them from the hands of those who enslaved them. 28 They will no longer be plundered by the nations, nor will wild animals devour them. They will live in safety, and no one will make them afraid. 29 I will provide for them a land renowned for its crops, and they will no longer be victims of famine in the land or bear the scorn of the nations. 30 Then they will know that I, the LORD their God, am with them and that they, the Israelites, are my people, declares the Sovereign LORD. 31 You are my sheep, the sheep of my pasture, and I am your God, declares the Sovereign LORD.”

I know I have been very quiet on here as of lately.  That is because I wasn’t sure exactly what to say or how to start.  So, I thought I’d just start today, with some of the verses that I have been reading for the last few months.

The Lord has been talking to me about trust.  Trusting in Him.  He has reminded me of how He has been faithful to me in the past, how I can depend on Him.  He has pushed me to confront unloving behavior.  During my quiet time we have compared notes on how I have handled past hurts with recent ones.  I praise Him for the refining work he has done in me over my life, and the grace He extends and continues to do.

This is what I have been remembering:

F orsaking

A ll

I

T rust

H im

The Lord will always take care of His sheep.  We I just need to trust Him.