Tag: HolySpirit

Hear me now, I am redeemed!

~ Denise ~ 5 Comments

This sorting and packing has me finding a lot of different things.  Squirreled away were some notes from my sister about why she and the rest of the family wouldn’t be attending our wedding, my journal from the months my Mom struggled with cancer, her funeral, all the feelings I was having around the time my family began their shunning of me.    My choice was to challenge and question what I had been taught for years and make my own choices, not what I was told to do.   I used to rehearse what I would say if I ran into my Dad when I went to a family funeral, or if I was visiting a relative on my Mother’s side.  That hasn’t happened.  One day while traveling to see my Dad’s sister in a nursing home, I remember telling Craig, I’m not going to worry about what I would say if I see him, if it happens, it does, and the Holy Spirit will help me to say what I need to say.  That was freeing.

Lately, God has reminded me this truth:  You are redeemed.  I saw a post on Facebook,  I am redeemed.  My soul cried out yes!  I’ve been hearing Big Daddy Weave’s, Redeemed, and my soul cries yes, thank you Lord!

And so, from out of that soulful feeling when I found the notes and my journal came this:

Dad,

This is the conversation we don’t have.  It would be the elephant in the room, if we were ever in the same room.  That I don’t foresee happening, because you stubbornly hold what you feel you are doing is right.  And I will not do what you want me to do.

It shouldn’t surprise you then that I got my share of stubbornness from both you and Mom.  Maybe in some corner of you there is sense of connection you feel about that.  I wouldn’t know.  We don’t talk.  We haven’t talked for a very long time.  On the rare occasion you have called me, you announce  “it’s your Dad”, like I wouldn’t recognize your voice.   I do.  The fact that you feel you have to do that just emphasizes the distance in our relationship.   I think the last time I heard your voice is what like, 6 years ago, on the answering machine?  I think the last time I actually saw you was at Grandmom’s funeral in 1995.

Why?  Because you hold your denomination rules and regulations over a parental relationship.

Hear me now,

I am redeemed.

Religion says fix yourself, change yourself, do this, do that and then you can be accepted.  You don’t live up to the standard; you can’t live up to the standard.  You aren’t worthy.  For years I bought into that lie.

Then I met Christ.  The gospel, the good news is Jesus loves me right where I am, and loves me enough to draw me closer to Him.  Jesus is the one who will change me; I don’t have to do it alone, I just had to ask Him.

Here me now,

I am redeemed.

Now, about that elephant.

Do you know how deeply you hurt me when you denied me as your daughter at Mom’s casket?  Seemed like you did it so casually.   It will be 29 years ago in July, but I still remember it.  It was completely acceptable to you have people ignore and “shun” me during that time, including yourself.  When I tried to talk you about it, your response was “I brought it on myself, I knew better”.

Abandoned was how I felt.  That isn’t the first time I’ve felt that way by you, and it wouldn’t be the last.

I felt like I lost both my parents.  But then, that was the goal.  That is the purpose of the shunning thing.  Cut off ties.    Say things like I won’t turn you away if you show up, however I’m not inviting you to the house.    Tell them you won’t visit them, and don’t.  Get re-married, but don’t invite.  Don’t call unless you think you “have to”, and leave the conversation on the note you’d like to talk more often, but it’s because of my actions you don’t.  Tell Craig you would go to his wedding if he married someone other than me, but you couldn’t go to ours, and didn’t.  I did think you might be more interested in your grandchildren.  I was wrong.

The whole purpose of shunning is to make the person shunned miserable, guilty and lonely so that they run back to the witnesses.  That is what you wanted, me to confess my sins to the witnesses and go back to being a witness, again.  It didn’t seem to matter what changes I made in my life.  They didn’t live up to the organization standards.  Wouldn’t that mean you’ve made the watchtower organization an idol over God’s Word?   It isn’t up to them to decide if I’m forgiven or not for my sins.

Understand, I’m not blaming you for any poor choices I’ve made in my life.  I’m responsible for them, just like you are responsible for yours.   There were years I was angry with you.   Bitter, sad, then resigned to your treatment.  Now those feelings have been replaced, with thankfulness.

Thing is, when you along with my siblings decided to cut me off from your life, along with most of your family, I didn’t run back.

I ran forward.

And I am thankful.

Thankful that I ran forward to the One who said I love you just the way you are, who would never forsake or abandon me.   The One who loved me when I didn’t love myself.  Who loved me enough not to leave me the way I was but to draw me to closer to Him.

The One who knew my name while embedded on the Cross.   He unconditionally loved me and bore my sins before I even came to be.

I choose Jesus.

Because of Him, I am redeemed.

This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe.  There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.  Rom. 3:22-24

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.  If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.  If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.  1 John 1:8

My prayers over the years have been that your hearts turn.   Turn toward a heart of understanding the truth.   Run forward, Dad.  Leave the ghosts behind.  Be free.  He’s waiting for you at the foot of the Cross.

I’m not going back.

Here me now,

I am redeemed.  Thank God, redeemed.

Sitting Down For A Chat

~ Denise ~ 7 Comments

I had a discussion with a friend the other day about some struggles they were having.  While I was in the midst of it I heard echoes of discussions I’ve had with myself and other friends over the last five years or so.

We were talking about uncertainty, instability, financial insecurity, fear of the unknown, loss of relationships, all intertwined with feelings of anger, sadness, confusion and betrayal, accompanied with health issues neatly rounding off the package.

What I shared with them that day and I hope that I conveyed, is what I’ve learned about myself slowly and painfully.

It involves trust.

I have had an issue, and if I am not careful, I can still have an issue with trust.

I have this part of my personality that likes to know “the plan”.   If I don’t know “the plan”, I have been known to mentally spend hours devising “Plan A”, “Plan B”, “Plan C”, well, you get the picture.

On the plus side, this gift can work well in certain organizational and job skills.  It enables one to prioritize and administer goals and tasks, and can also help with vision casting.

On the minus side, this gift has shifted my focus at times off of what God has in plan.  When during the course of my life, “my timing” is different than “His timing”; that is when I’ve faltered or become afraid.

I don’t think I’m the only one that feels like this.

Well, truthfully, I know I’m not.  Often, in my ladies small group we would talk about things like this.  We “know” the right answer; we know we are supposed to lay our concerns down.  It is just hard to “do it”.  Or admit it is a struggle.

If you can relate to any of the above feelings, welcome to the group.

Probably a year or so ago, I kept asking Jesus this question if ever I was sad, angry, afraid, felt betrayed or confused:

“What is at the root of this feeling?”

It came back to trust.  However, what the Holy Spirit pressed into my heart was who I ultimately was not trusting.

I wasn’t trusting God.  That is as painful to type as it is to admit  then and now.

Were there circumstances or people contributing at the time to those feelings?  Yes.  Were there decisions or actions that I needed to make or confront?  Yes.

However, at the root, the intensity of my feelings was something else.  I wasn’t trusting God.

­­Gently, the Holy Spirit reminded me…. hasn’t He always been there for me?  Yes, Lord. You have been.

Any residue of sadness for a relationship with my Dad or my siblings…. hasn’t He always been there for me…always loving me? Yes, Lord, you have always loved me, even when I haven’t been loving or loved you as I should.

Any residue of betrayal or bitterness from past experiences…. hasn’t He always been beside me, understood any pain, loved me? Yes, Lord, you who endured what I can not even imagine, carried the weight of all sin, mine included, before I even came to be.

Haven’t I always had a roof over my head and food on my plate?  Hasn’t He always made provisions for me, even when I’ve forgotten to thank Him on occasions?  Forgive me Lord, for the many times I’ve neglected to thank you for all you have provided, and even begin to hint in my mind that I in some way contribute to it.  Everything is a gift from you.

I knew those things.  I know those things.  I just needed to be reminded.  I also needed to confess my sin of lack of trust.

Trusting God means you figuratively stand at a precipice of the unknown and willing jump off into His arms.

I haven’t been willing to do that too many times in the past.

I want to know what nets are in place.  I want to know what security measures there are.

Trusting Him means not knowing those answers.

Trusting Him means giving up things once thought important.

Trusting Him means following His lead when it doesn’t seem popular, or comfortable.

Trusting Him means sharing what little you have, when you’re not sure what will come in next.

Do I know what that means for me tomorrow, or the next, or the day or after that?

No.

That is what trusting Him all is about.

Is that scary sometimes?  Yes, I must admit it is – until I look backwards.

And that is when I remind myself, hasn’t He always provided for me?  Hasn’t He always taken care of me?  Hasn’t He always been there for me?

He has been faithful.  I’ve been the one to doubt and to fear.

Will I be weak and be fearful or worry again?  Probably so, that “need a plan” is part of my personality.  However, hopefully I have learned to recognize when I’m not trusting and confess that sin, and lay it at His feet.

Being thankful.  Making the mental shift.  It is when I do that I can see how He has blessed and provided.  I feel His peace.

Thankfully His presence isn’t about our feelings, He is always with us.  Always present, always faithful.  Always trustworthy.

I am the one that just needs to remember at times.

How about you?

Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again:  Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and  your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received from me, or seen in me – put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:4-9