Tag: God

Just Some Words?

~ Denise ~ 2 Comments

Compassion –  definition of compassion:  sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it

On Thursday I drafted a post (which I’m now glad I didn’t post) about a blog that I stumbled upon around a year.  My original draft included a link to the blog; fellow bloggers like ping-backs and the recognition.  I’ve decided against naming the blog because of their recent post which was put up and then removed.

This blogger writes about their life after losing their job and returning to living with their parents.  Some posts I find down right funny.  The posts are well written.  Some posts I find sad.  I can feel the writer’s pain.  Some posts I wonder, even if there is a fictional aspect to the material, how the blogger’s parents (particularly the Mother) would feel if she read the blog.  I guess it is because I am slightly older, okay, middle age, fine, in my mid-50’s and probably close to the blogger’s mother’s age than I’d like to think about.  There have been times when I’ve wondered how would I feel if I knew my children were saying things like that about me?  I would be very hurt.  It’s like I want to know the rest of the story, why do they act the way they do?

Sometimes the way the blogger makes fun of them is well, just plain mean.  But that is just what I think at times.  I often think of the expression “hurting people, hurt people”.

I noticed last night the blogger wrote a post that their parents found out about their blog.  The blogger is trying to produce a web series and a family member posted about it.  Surprise, their parents found out about it.   Their post said it was “weird” at the house and their parents weren’t talking to them.  There were about 7 comments from people saying things like “no big deal”, “what is the harm” “it is comedy” things along those lines.  I rarely comment on that blog.  I choose to yesterday.  I could feel the pain of all of them.  I wanted to help in some way.  I prayed for the right words.  Sometimes, I’m not sure if I “hear” right or if I’m just going off in my own direction.  I finally just sent this off with a prayer:

Comedy can be funny, or it can be mean and is left up to the reader to discern.  Only you know the intentions behind your words.  Only you can explain what you meant to your parents or they are left to their own assumptions.  Talk to them and it won’t be weird anymore.  Don’t worry they will still give you lots of material.  🙂

Words spoken in anger, and hurt can not be taken back and always have consequences.  Words are powerful and accountable.

…For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.  The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.  But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgement for every careless word they have spoken.  For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned. – Matt. 12:14-37

I think about words that I have spoken in anger and hurt over the course of my life, and will probably be guilty of doing again. How about those thoughts, or words in my head, left unspoken, but heard by God?  Sigh.  None of us are exempt.

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.  If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.  1 John 1:8

Thankfully, there is forgiveness and peace for all who seek it.

This blogger reminds me to keep a watch over my words.

Search me, O God, and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.  Psalm 139:23-24

Thank you Jesus for forgiving me when I need it.  Thank you Jesus for all you have done for me/us.

I pray for Him to be known, really known in that family.  I pray for them to experience His peace.   My prayer is also for whomever reads this to experience His peace.

The Promised Land

~ Denise ~ 2 Comments

Today I was lowered into a tub of water.   Renewed, refreshed, and washed cleaned.

I was 15 the first time I was baptized, young, giving my life to God as I understood him; however I was also a Jehovah’s Witness.  Being baptized as a JW means you are baptized into that cult.  At the time I didn’t fully understand the ramifications.

As I questioned the hypocrisy and the teachings of the JW’s, I moved out and disassociated myself from them in my early 20’s, however, they still considered me a JW.  The witnesses, or my parents, looked for a reason to take action against me I guess, sort of an “example”.  Often one of my parents would try to call or stop by my apartment to try to “catch me” in some sort of sin.  By the year 1984, I found myself dealing with a roller coaster of emotions.  In the Spring, the JW’s disfellowshipped/shunned me after a prompting by my father stating I was not living a Christian life to their standards.   During the early part of July, we buried my mother after a cancer battle, and my father denied my presence at the casket when JW’s approached.    Later, in October, I was married, and my father boycotted attending our wedding and my siblings felt pressured to follow his example.

I felt betrayed, abandoned, unworthy and unloved by my father and siblings.   Mainly by my father.

It took me quite a few stubborn, bitter years to acknowledge my part in any of my sins for how the JW’s have treated me.

“If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us”.  1 John 1:8

It wasn’t until Oct, 1988 that I was able to reconcile my life to God, and started my spiritual awakening and understanding of Jesus Christ.

Understanding Jesus and what He has done for me was like a refreshing drink of water to a thirsty soul.

Grace a gift, freely given.

Sins, once confessed, are then forgotten.

“As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us”  Psalm 103:12

People, were the ones that were continually judging and condemning me, not God.  Not only could I forgive my family, I could forgive myself.  Looking back, I can see how he has used some of those desert wandering years.  One day I will understand all the pieces.

I re-affirmed my baptism in the Lutheran Church, however, I would still think about it once in a while.   The whole JW thing would still haunt me at times.   I’d talk to different pastors about it.  I was told re-baptism wasn’t necessary and/or they’d forget about it.  So, I’d stop thinking about it, for awhile.

I didn’t want to negate that I originally gave my life to YAHWEH and Jesus that I knew and loved at that time, just negate the cult.  I’d wonder:  how confusing would it be to see me doing it again, and I’d think I would have to explain my story.  For years I didn’t want to talk about my experiences with the JW’s.  See, I was in control of my story.  Who I told, and who I didn’t.

However, it started coming to my mind again.  Recently during my small group, it came up.  Actually, I brought it up, and the girls said to me, usually if God wants you to do something he will keep bringing something to your mind.   I was reminded that my understanding was a more mature understanding, not the youthful understanding I had.  I most definitely had spiritually grown.

So I deliberately prayed about it.

“Okay Lord, if this is something you want me to do, nag me about it.  Hound me about this.  I mean ALL the time, so much that I HAVE to come to a decision of either doing it or accepting I’m okay with where I am.  Resolve this for me.  I don’t want to not do this because of pride, what will people think, I want to be obedient to you, so hound me Lord.  Oh, and if it’s not too much trouble; on Sunday, let there be a message about baptism to confirm it.”

That Sunday there was a message about upcoming baptisms and Jeff talked about Jehovah’s Witnesses in his sermon.  Does God have a sense of humor or what?

These last few weeks we’ve been studying about Exodus on Sunday mornings.  The last few years I’ve been studying, reading and re-reading the Old Testament.

I don’t think this is a coincidence.  This is a God-incidence.  This is a God’s thumb print puzzle piece.

Over and over again YAHWEH asks his people – do you trust me?

Over and over again He’s asked me – do you trust me?

Time and time again he’s told His people:

Yes, you’ve seen struggle in finances, health, jobs and relationships.  My power is made perfect in weaknesses.  I am in control.

You try to control things and it never works out the way you ‘think it should’.  Dear one, I’m glad you want to help, but give in.  I am in control.

You’ve had people hurt you and others you love with sinful and unloving behavior.  I love them as much as I love you.  I am in control.

You’ve been betrayed and abandoned by people who you’ve trusted.  I was, I am, I will be.  I AM NOT LEAVING YOU.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”  John 3:16

My JW life has been dead and gone, and now it has been washed clean from me.  My life and story is His to control as He sees fit.

I see the Promised Land.  I want to cross over.

Dreamy Morning

~ Denise ~ 5 Comments

Had a dream this morning.  One that I remember.

I was dreaming about a wedding.  A wedding that I needed to hurry and get to.  One that I wasn’t dressed correctly for.   Outside it was beautiful and sunny, and people were hurrying to get inside.  Women were dressed in long, light, pastel, flowing dresses.

I was in shorts.  The kind of shorts you wear in your yard to garden in, and don’t care if they get messed up or who sees them.  Yeah, those shorts.

I was carrying two plastic bags, one of which I instinctively knew had in it a long, light flowing dress.  I thought I need to get this dress on, I’m supposed to be here, but I’m not dressed right.  I don’t recall what was in the other bag.

I remember getting a message, or the impression (you know how dreams work) that my best friend was waiting for me in the restroom, and that she didn’t want the wedding to start until I got there.  She could only wait another 65 or 67 seconds (it was one or the other that I heard, and I wondered why she was so specific).  So I knew I must hurry.

I was trying to get there, guests were hurrying past me, but I kept getting stopped, or distracted by people and would talk to them.  I remember having a discussion with a couple about a home they were looking at.  I stopped to notice the children playing in the aisle.  I mean, really, why couldn’t I get a move on it!

I started thinking again about my appearance.  I thought maybe I should just sneak around this corner, I could get to where she was and quickly change before the wedding and nobody would see me dressed this way.  However, doors opened, and it was the main aisle.  All of a sudden more doors opened and now the aisle was wide and there wasn’t any way to go around it you had to cross it.

Three or four middle aged women in “apron-clad” kitchen dresses, also carrying plastic bags, choose to cross the aisle, but not in a hurried way.  They didn’t seem concerned with their dresses nor their plastic bags.  They swayed and danced, swinging their bags.  I joined them at the outskirts of the circle, and found myself in a side room in front of a counter with stools.  The woman behind the counter asked me if I had my “strands” (here it sounded like ‘strands’, or I don’t recall the word she said).  I shook my head.  I didn’t know what she was talking about.  (I got the impression, it was something I needed, I had to have brought or bought.)  I started to feel sad and inadequate, and late.

One middle aged lady stepped up and counted what seemed like $10-15 and said “Denise, don’t you remember ‘mumble mumble‘ had me get this for you” (that’s what it sounded like anyway)  Another lady stepped up and purchased or handed over money for me.

I just remember feeling overcome with emotion from the love and and dropping my head.

Soothing words started coming into my thoughts.  With my head bowed, I could see an older male presence to my right.  I knew this was an older male by his hand.   While his left arm pulled my shoulder close, my head dropped and rested on his chest, while I glazed at the right hand which seemed familiar.  It was moving, getting ready to stroke my head.  I sensed I knew this hand.

My first thought was is this hand my earthly Dad’s?   Then, immediately, I thought, no, this is Abba, Pappa.  This is Abba, Pappa.  This is my real daddy.  This is God coming to comfort me.  Telling me, He is here, He is telling me He has always been here.  Everything is okay.

It was then I woke up.

Maybe you are inclined to think dreams are just jumbled up things, and don’t make sense.  Maybe you think you can make logical sense out of dreams.

I believe this dream was an affirmation of a decision that I had made three weeks ago and had been thinking and journaling about prior to a posting that I am working on and plan to post this later this weekend.

Part of this process is blogging about what I think, regardless of what I fear a reader will think.  Remember, I’m on this getting rid of clutter thing (A.k.a. C.C.).  That includes clutter of my mind.  Fear of what people think is something I’m working on.

You’ve been duly warned.  🙂

OSS Reflections

~ Denise ~ 2 Comments

Today’s visit to the park was more crowded than I thought it would be.  But, we were blessed to have enough food to feed everyone in line!  That is something that is always amazing and you know is God’s hand at work!  While we are serving  I was watching as the line kept growing and growing.  Then I’d see a lid close on a pot, meaning it was all, and I’d look and I’d see more homeless getting in line.  God is good though, for somehow all the “first timers” were served and we still had some left over for a  little of seconds.  When we get down to the last bowl, we often talk about how it reminds us of Jesus feeding the 5,000 with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish in Matthew 14:17-21.

Usually it is after all the serving, while we are cleaning up, that someone will stick around, hang out, perhaps have a cigarette, and then maybe talk a little about how things are going on and what is new with them.

When talking with one of the guys today about the life lessons he has been learning, this was his pearl of wisdom:

“Just because there is an open door or window to go through, doesn’t mean God opened it.” – Ed

Think about that.  Think about your life choices.

I know.    W.o.W.     Right?

I know there are many doors and windows that I’ve walked through God didn’t open. Then usually after I was there, crying out to God, He reminded me He was there all along…if I would just turn toward Him.  And then I would need to be reminded, again.  Sometimes, again and again.  Sigh.

Ed’s words are a reminder to be seeking His will first before we decide whether or not to go through those open doors and windows.

Well said Ed.

Knock, Knock, Knocking at the door

~ Denise ~ 5 Comments

Had two visitors come “a knocking” going “door to door” a month ago.  I knew right away what denomination they represented.  I could have guessed what they were going to say even before they opened their mouths.

I knew they were Jehovah’s Witnesses, when I saw the groups of two, by their appearance, their demeanor, the ever present briefcase, and it was confirmed when the Watchtower came up out of the briefcase when I answered the door and said hello.

( I remember well the training, when the person answers the door, keep talking. )

Usually if JW’s come to the door, I don’t get in a discussion, I know from previous experience, they have an answer for everything….it may not be right…but they have an answer, and they are going to argue it.

That day I thought I’d try a different approach.  I thought I’d talk to them a while and then tell them I was a disfellowshiped Jehovah’s Witness who was confident in my redeeming relationship with Jesus and see what they would do.

It went sort of like this.

Older Man:  “We are stopping at people’s homes in your neighborhood talking about the state of the world (gets out the latest issue of the Watchtower, and points out the topic).  Who do you think is in control of the world?”

Me:  (who has been silently praying and at this moment is wondering should I freak him out and say Jehovah)  “God”

Older Man:  “Why yes, that is correct.”

Younger Man:  (shaking his head and agreeing) “Correct”

(I was half-smiling to myself.  I well remember the “we know more than you” attitude and posture from door-to-door days.  Some are not even aware of it, others quite so, it is something that comes with the teaching engrained that ‘they are the only ones that are correct’)

Older Man:  (Gets out his New World Translation) “I’d like to read a scripture.”

(Now here I was thinking I’d like to run and get my Bible, but here is where Cody decides to try to sneak out between my legs, so I grab him and push him back in the door.)

He quickly flipped from one scripture to another, and I was listening closely to see if he read one that was changed.  He ended up with the scripture about going and making disciples.  Matthew 28:19

I said “yes, the Great Commission.”  I thought the younger man’s head would pop off, it jerked up so fast.  The older man said, “why yes.”

Then I said, you’ll notice that scripture says “be my witness, not “to witness”.  We are called to be a witness by how we live and how we talk and how we treat our neighbors, not  just going door to door.  The younger one kind of smiled and said your are right we are called to be a witness by how we live.

Then the older one started to talk about how a recent poll showed that theirs was the largest growing religion, not Baptist like most believe.  I believe I said “you mean denomination, not religion” and I asked “where are you getting your facts from, as I doubt that”.  He hesitated and then started to mention some southern source.

By then, I thought this really isn’t getting anywhere.  I could tell the “spin was on” with the older gentlemen.  So I figured now was the time to see what he would say if I said that I was a disfellowedship JW.

So I told them.

I told them I was raised as a JW, and that demoniation was not for me.  I was a disfellowshiped JW.

I told them, “Look, I don’t have a problem talking with you, but I know you probably have a problem talking with me.   I’ve read the Bible from cover to cover, and I know we are all sinners and fall short of the glory of God.  I know that my sins once confessed have been forgiven and that Christ died for me and I have a personal relationship with Him.  I know what the Bible says about judging.”

The younger guy said I appreciate you telling us.  The older guy just wanted to know if my parents lived around here.  I told him my mother wasn’t living, and my father did not live in the state.

(Who knows, maybe they have to keep track now if they run into one of “us”.)

Then he said, “well if you want to come back let me know”.

(It was later that I realized, he didn’t tell me who “he” was, guess he was thinking he wouldn’t be running into me again.)

I told them “That wouldn’t be happening.  I have a personal relationship with Jesus, and I know Jehovah.”  Then I added, “Because you know Jehovah, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are one you know.  (they are not taught that) It’s in the Bible, and the Bible tells you the truth if you read it from cover to cover not just your magazines and books.”  (I looked right at the younger guy when I said that.  For some reason I felt like he was the one that needed to hear that.)

I should add the older man packed up pretty quick after that.

Afterwards I thought of more that I could have said.

Isn’t that they way it always goes.

But then I figure I am only asked to plant a seed.  So I planted a seed, what kind of soil it falls on and what happens next isn’t up to me.

One person plants a seed, another adds some water, another some more, and so on.  If the soil is fertile God will make it grow.

When it comes to JW’s you need to plant a seed of questioning what they have been told.  A seed to read the Bible to search for themselves.  A seed to search for the truth.

I pray I plant seeds in fertile soil.