This morning, I talked to my Dad after well, I don’t remember how many years.
He was hesitant, slightly awkward sounding, but yet anxious to talk. He proceeded to tell me he had been busy the day before going door to door, giving a talk (Jehovah’s Witness language for preaching) in the evening, and had missed seeing my call until later at night.
We talked about my message that we had moved.
Mid discussion, I prayed for the right words. I prayed for what I needed.
Compassion is what Jesus gave me. Compassion, and the confidence to speak boldly in love.
I heard sadness when he told me that he still loves me and thinks of me, and that it’s just a shame.
I could sense a tired man in his 80’s. I could hear the sadness, but also a holding on to a life of what he believes.
As gently and lovingly as I could I told him I loved him too, but that he needed to understand that any of my past sins have been forgiven and forgotten by Jesus and they are gone and in the past, and it was too bad he didn’t feel that way too.
He mentioned something about yes, God sits in judgment of us, and that he does say he will forgive us.
I told him Christ forgave me years ago, and I was secure in that belief. I was good about it. I wish he felt that way too. God sits in judgment, not men, or more importantly religious organizations. That was something he would had to come to grips with.
He started talking about other things. Pleasantries, like the weather, and how his sister, my aunt was doing.
When he said he thought of me over the years, I told him that I thought of him too, and while I may have wanted to call him or talk to him before I didn’t. I didn’t because I felt like I was honoring his statements of no contact. But that part of me wanted to just call anyway because I don’t agree with his position. So I felt like I was honoring his wishes but I did not agree with it. This also was something he had to come to grips with.
It was like our roles were reversed, where at one time I would have been quiet and listened while he talked; now I was bold.
A few more pleasantries, and then the conversation ended.
I’m not looking back on what else I could have or might have said.
What will become of this? I don’t know.
But I know who does.
Lord,
Thank you for giving me a glimpse of seeing through your eyes.
Forgive me when I look just through mine at those around me……..including my Dad.
Once I heard a pastor say “you should have a three minute testimony ready at all times”.
Yeah, that wasn’t about to happen. I couldn’t sum it up in three minutes. So, my testimony was only shared in bits and pieces. Some people know my whole story. Now you will too.
Some time as Christians, when we come out of our respective pits of darkness into Christ’s light we don’t want to talk about our past and present struggles. Being transparent encourages one another, and enables God’s glory to be seen to a hurting world. That is why when I read an article viewing the church as a hospital for the sick, not a place of healthy Christians; I thought to myself, that is such a good analogy. There are a lot of different areas that are addressed in a hospital. There are a lot of wings, and floors in the hospital. As a matter of fact I think I’ve visited the same floor more than once.
There is nothing worse than feeling like you are alone in a struggle, or an illness. It is when we share what we’ve been through or are dealing with that we can be an encouragement, a means to nurse those around us, while the Great Physician heals us. Let’s face it, I’ve been real sick, and I am still sick and need healing. But then aren’t we all? We are just on different floors at different times. Sometimes we are able to nurse those around us, sometimes we are in need of it. All of it is used for His glory.
God doesn’t waste anything, especially our pain. – Mary Southerland
Being a transparent Christian is the way to show how I once was lost, and now I’m found. I knew of the song Amazing Grace from listening to my Grandmother, now I know Amazing Grace. I knew of Jesus, but I didn’t know Jesus.
Knowing Jesus, makes all the difference.
Growing up I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness.
I don’t even like typing that.
Even when I called myself one I didn’t like saying it when I was around people who weren’t Jehovah’s Witnesses. It never felt right.
Now I know how twisted, inaccurate and mind-controlling the Watchtower organization is. It is a cult. Yes, they are a cult. They will deny that.
In a nutshell, this is what I was taught, and I do not believe much has changed: they believe they are saved by works, only 144,000 Jehovah Witnesses will go to Heaven, the rest of the Jehovah Witnesses will live on earth which will be restored to a paradise after Armageddon, and Jesus is like a God, but not God. They have their own Bible translation where words have been substituted by the Organization (but the regular JW doesn’t realize that). They believe anyone that is not a Jehovah’s Witness is worldly and will die at Armageddon (which when I was younger was supposed to happen in 1975.) If you were not baptized as a witness before that time you would be destroyed by Jehovah along with the rest of the worldly people. Jehovah Witnesses are to only associate with other Jehovah Witnesses or those becoming witnesses. There is limited contact with worldly people allowed for employment and schooling. Growing up, extracurricular activities and sports were to be avoided as it placed you in a position to be around worldly people. The Watchtower only allows studying the publications they print or recommend. No Holidays or birthdays are celebrated. Friends, community and personal time should only be spent with other Jehovah Witnesses or in studying, meeting, assembly time or door-to-door service. Witnesses should only date and marry other witnesses. Higher education was not an option when I was younger, and careers were unimportant. Basically, you were encouraged to become a full time “pioneer” (door-to-door) or find a job to just pay bills. Any leadership positions were discouraged. Jehovah’s Witnesses self-police themselves by ostracizing those that do not live up to the elder appointed standard set forth by the Watchtower organization. When teaching differences occur, (like when 1975 passed, and Armageddon did not happen,) the Watchtower organization indicated that as individuals the witnesses were responsible for their misinterpretation, not the Watchtower Society. Jehovah’s Witnesses are not to question the Watchtower Organization as that is questioning Jehovah. Any ‘problems’ are handled internally (within the local congregations) to maintain control and then broadcast to surrounding congregations as example, intimidation, or as a means of ostracizing.
I needed a hospital alright.
My thoughts of God were mostly driven by feelings of fear, and I most certainly did not know Jesus. I only knew of Him, and then not even an accurate picture.
But He knew me.
Even when I didn’t know myself or what or where I was going. His hand was on me.
There are several times in my teens and early 20’s that I can think back on when I know God has protected me. When I didn’t realize it, even when I was questioning Him, He was faithful, He was protecting me, leading me.
While I sat and listened to what was being taught by the JW’s on how to perform in such and such a way to gain God’s approval, and that only the JW’s had people that were worthy, He stirred in my heart questions and challenges. I wanted to have friends, and I didn’t see everyone I encountered at school as bad even while being bullied there. Lonely and confused, I spent more time with my maternal side of the family. I began to see what it looked like living outside of the JW bubble.
When I was in my late teens and dated an “approved JW” boy there was an unspoken pressure to settle down. I wasn’t interested. My soul was looking for something, but I didn’t know what.
I didn’t know where to look, I was blind.
While still in my late teens, one of the JW “worthy” men that I considered a fatherly figure made sexual advances toward me. I don’t know what he said to his wife, because then she accused me of trying to steal her husband. This was a couple that I spent a lot of time with and babysat for. When I abruptly stopped seeing them, my mother questioned me. I told her the wife accused me of trying to steal her husband, I was too naïve, ashamed and confused to say anything else. There was a big meeting with everyone. The man said he thought he had feelings for me, but nothing had happened, and he didn’t feel that way anymore. He never said anything about making the sexual advances to me in the first place, nor the fact that he had tried contacting me since then via phone. I sat and said nothing. I was dazed, confused, embarrassed and sad. My father seemed satisfied with the explanation, and wanted me to forgive them. I don’t know exactly what my mother thought, we didn’t discuss it. To her credit she tried to on occasion, I withdrew. The man continued to try to contact me via phone trying to seduce me, while simultaneously blaming me for his pursuit on account of how I looked and dressed. He told me I was no good, I was just trouble. I told him if he didn’t stop calling me I was going to tell someone. He stopped calling, unfortunately his words stuck. I tried burying them along this guilt I felt like I participated in his lie by not saying anything to anyone.
Thank you, Jesus for healing me from all of that, when I placed that at your feet, you have carried it for me ever since.
The JW rose colored glasses were off. I realized that there was no difference between the JW’s and the worldly people they were always warning me away from. They told me worldly people were evil, JW’s were good. I saw no difference. If that was a lie, what else was?
I ran. I’d like to say I ran towards Him. Instead I spent years of thinking of myself first. They were lonely times, even in the midst of drinking and partying. I couldn’t find what I was looking for, I had one life I was living and when I was home there was another I pretended to conform to. I lead a double-life. I made many poor and foolish choices. I figured if I was being accused of being no good, than I might as well not be.
I know now that God was protecting me on some country roads when I foolishly tried hitch hiking one winter morning at 3 am after running out of gas after an evening of partying. One car stopped way down the hill from where I was walking, started, and stopped. I didn’t run for it. I just kept walking. When I was just about home, a truck driver tried picking me up, offering a ride. I declined. He persisted, and became angry when I declined, roaring off precariously close to me. I don’t like to think about what unwise choice I might have made if he would have come by many miles earlier. Yes, God was protecting me that early morning.
I moved out into an apartment on my own where I made more choices. Some continued to be foolish, but I gradually made better choices. I didn’t think about God much though in the choices, and I certainly didn’t know Jesus.
I’m so thankful God isn’t dependent upon my feelings.
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there, If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hid me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. Psalm 139:7-12
In hindsight, I realize the people that He surrounded me with in my life that supported me emotionally when I needed it most. He protected me by placing people in my life, to lift me up and show me His love. They were Jesus with skin on. He was protecting me by drawing me to Him. My maternal Grandmother was the first to show me Jesus with skin on. I had close friends that were there when I needed them. He placed a man in my life that would love me, and stand by me when my family would deny me.
Even though I had long since stopped claiming to be a Jehovah’s Witnesses, they were still interested in what I was doing. Often times over the years, I would get unannounced visits or calls, or meetings to talk about my lifestyle choices, or at least what they thought I was doing. My Mom would track me down and call me at odd hours which would really tick me off. I thought my Dad would be easier to fool than my Mom, I wished she would go away, and leave me alone. (That thought would haunt me) I always felt like they wanted to catch me doing something so they could punish me.
I finally stopped playing the game.
After I moved in with what would be my future hubs, my future step-daughter and my future sister-in-law, my parents came to visit us trying to persuade me to return to the witnesses. They tried to explain to Craig that it had nothing to do with him, ‘he didn’t know better’, it was me. They could attend his wedding, but not if he was marrying me. If I didn’t come back to the JW’s I would be disfellowshipped. My mother said ‘if your father tells me I can’t come see you, then I have to obey, whether I like it or not.” They never came there again. It didn’t matter if I didn’t consider myself a JW or not, I was being treated like one, based on their standards.
Not long after, my mother who had been experiencing some health problems, had a large mass removed and was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.
I refused to meet with the appointed elders who were determining my fate according to the JW standards. They had called me, and I told them that I was not claiming to be a witness and they had no right sitting in judgment of me, they were just three men. They tried various pressure tactics, even one of them saying I was responsible for my mother’s illness. They told me I would be disfellowshipped, they were acting on Jehovah’s behalf.
With that came the ostracizing from any family or people that I knew that were Jehovah’s Witnesses. I was “permitted” to go to my family home, was not invited, but if showed up would not be turned away; however, they would not visit me. They would not call me unless it was an emergency, or deemed necessary. (it is still that way today)
I visited and tried to maintain contact with my mother as she battled her cancer, but they were strained and awkward visits at times. She gave up her struggle seven months after her diagnosis.
My father’s side of the family for the most part is Jehovah’s Witnesses, with the exception of an aunt and a few cousins. My mother’s side is not. My siblings, with their respective families are. Most of the people I grew up with and knew outside of my mother’s side of the family are also Jehovah’s Witnesses.
At her funeral and afterwards, with few exceptions, only my maternal side of the family talked to me. (Craig, thank you for being my strength that day)
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded every one in your book. Psalm 56:8 NLT
We were married three months later, and while my father and siblings chose not to attend, it was a beautiful wedding and we were blessed to be surrounded by friends and family, including my maternal family.
At home we were a family of three. Me, the hubs and my step-daughter. (I feel weird when I say that description. I don’t think of “step” when I see her.) Not quite two years later, our first son joined the family.
God is so patient with us. He is so patient with me.
I went from the life of “all about me” to “all about the kids, all about the family”. Anyone else have a problem with the 2nd commandment?
I was busy living life, but if you asked me about God, I was still harboring these bitter, angry feelings. I didn’t want to acknowledge or think about things I had done in the past because of the stone throwers. It had been so engrained in me growing up to associate the Witnesses with God that I had made them one and the same. I had to re-program my thinking.
I had to re-program all the things about God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, grace, salvation, heaven, truth, the list could go on about what the Witnesses taught me that are inaccurate according to the Scriptures. I had to read the Scriptures for myself.
October, 1988 I cried out to God. I told Him I was tired of running. I was tired of carrying all that stuff inside. Told Him I knew I had made mistakes, told Him I was trying. Told him I didn’t understand a lot of things, asked him to help me. I prayed to God in Jesus’ name to help me. I prayed for forgiveness. I certainly didn’t follow any ‘script’, nor did I know of one, I just spoke from my heart. And I asked Him to show me He heard me by having me get pregnant. One year later, our second son was born.
I would like to tell you that re-programming went quickly. It didn’t. Over the years many people have been used to show me Christ’s love, and to understand the true meaning of what it is to have a relationship with Him, to understand the true meaning of grace. I didn’t grasp that right away.
My ‘nurses’ often didn’t realize they were helping me. I often didn’t either at the time. He has used people like my husband, my children, good friends, church, work and blogging communities. I get a glimpse of how He has used people in the past, like my Grandmother.
I understand the lines “I once was lost, but now I found, I once was blind, but now I see”.
I am surrendered to Jesus Christ. When on the cross, my sins held him there, yet he prayed for me. He thought of me. A gift, pure and simple. Nothing I could ever do would compare. It was freely given. He is the way, the truth and the life. Because of Him I see the Father.
If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 8, 9
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. Eph 2:8, 9
This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. Rom. 3:22-24
Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life, No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really knew me, you would know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.” Philip said, “Lord, show us the Father and that will be enough for us.” Jesus answered: “Don’t you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? Don’t you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me? The words I say to you are not just my own. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work. Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the miracles themselves. John 14:6-11
In the hospital, the Great Physician heals me. He has me in his care. Each past wound surrendered, is dealt with lovingly, in prayer. In the hospital there are many wings and floors. All those illnesses, sickness, scars that need to be probed, examined, and removed are done under his care to draw me closer to Him. Being a transparent Christian, means saying this is me and what Jesus has freed me from.
He loved me enough, just as I was, to pursue me. He loves me enough to heal me, past, present and future just as I am.
In His hospital, He frees any pain: past, present and future. I am so thankful to be in His hospital. There is peace there.
My prayer is this post is used for His glory. I will look for you in the hospital. There are many rooms. Have you claimed yours?
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phil. 4:4-7
I won’t go back, can’t go back, to the way I was before.
This sorting and packing has me finding a lot of different things. Squirreled away were some notes from my sister about why she and the rest of the family wouldn’t be attending our wedding, my journal from the months my Mom struggled with cancer, her funeral, all the feelings I was having around the time my family began their shunning of me. My choice was to challenge and question what I had been taught for years and make my own choices, not what I was told to do. I used to rehearse what I would say if I ran into my Dad when I went to a family funeral, or if I was visiting a relative on my Mother’s side. That hasn’t happened. One day while traveling to see my Dad’s sister in a nursing home, I remember telling Craig, I’m not going to worry about what I would say if I see him, if it happens, it does, and the Holy Spirit will help me to say what I need to say. That was freeing.
Lately, God has reminded me this truth: You are redeemed. I saw a post on Facebook, I am redeemed. My soul cried out yes! I’ve been hearing Big Daddy Weave’s, Redeemed, and my soul cries yes, thank you Lord!
And so, from out of that soulful feeling when I found the notes and my journal came this:
Dad,
This is the conversation we don’t have. It would be the elephant in the room, if we were ever in the same room. That I don’t foresee happening, because you stubbornly hold what you feel you are doing is right. And I will not do what you want me to do.
It shouldn’t surprise you then that I got my share of stubbornness from both you and Mom. Maybe in some corner of you there is sense of connection you feel about that. I wouldn’t know. We don’t talk. We haven’t talked for a very long time. On the rare occasion you have called me, you announce “it’s your Dad”, like I wouldn’t recognize your voice. I do. The fact that you feel you have to do that just emphasizes the distance in our relationship. I think the last time I heard your voice is what like, 6 years ago, on the answering machine? I think the last time I actually saw you was at Grandmom’s funeral in 1995.
Why? Because you hold your denomination rules and regulations over a parental relationship.
Hear me now,
I am redeemed.
Religion says fix yourself, change yourself, do this, do that and then you can be accepted. You don’t live up to the standard; you can’t live up to the standard. You aren’t worthy. For years I bought into that lie.
Then I met Christ. The gospel, the good news is Jesus loves me right where I am, and loves me enough to draw me closer to Him. Jesus is the one who will change me; I don’t have to do it alone, I just had to ask Him.
Here me now,
I am redeemed.
Now, about that elephant.
Do you know how deeply you hurt me when you denied me as your daughter at Mom’s casket? Seemed like you did it so casually. It will be 29 years ago in July, but I still remember it. It was completely acceptable to you have people ignore and “shun” me during that time, including yourself. When I tried to talk you about it, your response was “I brought it on myself, I knew better”.
Abandoned was how I felt. That isn’t the first time I’ve felt that way by you, and it wouldn’t be the last.
I felt like I lost both my parents. But then, that was the goal. That is the purpose of the shunning thing. Cut off ties. Say things like I won’t turn you away if you show up, however I’m not inviting you to the house. Tell them you won’t visit them, and don’t. Get re-married, but don’t invite. Don’t call unless you think you “have to”, and leave the conversation on the note you’d like to talk more often, but it’s because of my actions you don’t. Tell Craig you would go to his wedding if he married someone other than me, but you couldn’t go to ours, and didn’t. I did think you might be more interested in your grandchildren. I was wrong.
The whole purpose of shunning is to make the person shunned miserable, guilty and lonely so that they run back to the witnesses. That is what you wanted, me to confess my sins to the witnesses and go back to being a witness, again. It didn’t seem to matter what changes I made in my life. They didn’t live up to the organization standards. Wouldn’t that mean you’ve made the watchtower organization an idol over God’s Word? It isn’t up to them to decide if I’m forgiven or not for my sins.
Understand, I’m not blaming you for any poor choices I’ve made in my life. I’m responsible for them, just like you are responsible for yours. There were years I was angry with you. Bitter, sad, then resigned to your treatment. Now those feelings have been replaced, with thankfulness.
Thing is, when you along with my siblings decided to cut me off from your life, along with most of your family, I didn’t run back.
I ran forward.
And I am thankful.
Thankful that I ran forward to the One who said I love you just the way you are, who would never forsake or abandon me. The One who loved me when I didn’t love myself. Who loved me enough not to leave me the way I was but to draw me to closer to Him.
The One who knew my name while embedded on the Cross. He unconditionally loved me and bore my sins before I even came to be.
I choose Jesus.
Because of Him, I am redeemed.
This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. Rom. 3:22-24
If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives. 1 John 1:8
My prayers over the years have been that your hearts turn. Turn toward a heart of understanding the truth. Run forward, Dad. Leave the ghosts behind. Be free. He’s waiting for you at the foot of the Cross.
There is a documentary that will soon be released that I’ve been interested in. Interested enough that I’ve been following their website and their Facebook page.
It is called Truth Be Told. A feature length documentary exploring the lives of former Jehovah’s Witnesses and how being raised as such shaped their lives.
I believe it deals with the emotional toils of ex-JW’s quite well. I think it is worth your time to check it out. Private screenings have started, and here is a short video of one person’s opinion.
Shunning is such a “foreign” concept for a lot of people – unless you experience it.
It is uncomfortable to talk about. Many just hide their pain. (Most times, if I am feeling pain, I do.)
One thing that I noticed about being an ex-JW though and not often expressed is a feeling of shame. Not the shame that the JW’s want you to feel. I mean that’s their reason for shunning you in the first place, treat you wrong, shame you, and then you will turn from your behavior and return to them.
This is a different kind of shame. (I may not even be able to explain this very well, but here goes.)
They (JW’s) have already instilled that instinct (shame) in you, so that poison sits there and seeps out in other ways. Logically you may know you don’t deserve to be treated the way you are and other people will tell you don’t deserve to be treated that way either. However, continual shunning by family and people that you have known your whole life can twist a web of lies within your mind to somehow think you deserve this treatment. The occasional (if that even happens) conversation with your family includes things like “you know better” thus reinforcing the “you deserve this” mentality.
So, even though you may logically, rationally, spiritually and from a scriptural point see they are treating you wrong, their continualavoidance can trigger shame.
Shame to tell your story. Shame to explain to new people you meet why you don’t have family around. Sometimes others will unwittingly contribute to this, should you tentatively try to discuss your story, if you misinterpret their uncomfortable silence or quick change of topic.
Shame you don’t constantly confront your family. By not constantly confronting them, you feel like they win, and then they think they are justified and correct in what they are doing and thinking. Logically though you understand you can’t change anyone.
Then there is the shame you even fell for the manipulation of the organization. The lies you believed they told you. Those same lies you repeated.
I think that is what gets me the most. I dislike manipulation. Probably because I like being in control of myself (another problem I have). When I find I’m being manipulated or lied to it really triggers pain and hurt.
When you figure out that you’ve been manipulated and lied to, there is this shame that you didn’t figure it out earlier. It’s like you say to yourself, “Hey, I’m not dumb, why didn’t I see this?”
It doesn’t matter if you were raised in it. You still feel that way. You hate to admit that you were played. Nobody likes being played.
I’ve found the best way to get rid of the shame was giving it a voice. Giving my story a voice. Every time I told someone I was an ex-JW it became easier. Every time I told someone my story it released more pain.
Does that mean there are times when I don’t feel sorrow or hurt? No.
Sometimes a memory will come and I can be sad.
However, I can tell you that all the deep pain, hurt, shame and bitterness is gone. That was laid at the foot of the Cross. With amazing grace, I was found.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me….
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.
T’was Grace that taught…
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear…
the hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares…
we have already come.
T’was Grace that brought us safe thus far…
and Grace will lead us home.
The Lord has promised good to me…
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be…
as long as life endures.
When we’ve been here ten thousand years…
bright shining as the sun.
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise…
then when we’ve first begun.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me….
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.
Today I was lowered into a tub of water. Renewed, refreshed, and washed cleaned.
I was 15 the first time I was baptized, young, giving my life to God as I understood him; however I was also a Jehovah’s Witness. Being baptized as a JW means you are baptized into that cult. At the time I didn’t fully understand the ramifications.
As I questioned the hypocrisy and the teachings of the JW’s, I moved out and disassociated myself from them in my early 20’s, however, they still considered me a JW. The witnesses, or my parents, looked for a reason to take action against me I guess, sort of an “example”. Often one of my parents would try to call or stop by my apartment to try to “catch me” in some sort of sin. By the year 1984, I found myself dealing with a roller coaster of emotions. In the Spring, the JW’s disfellowshipped/shunned me after a prompting by my father stating I was not living a Christian life to their standards. During the early part of July, we buried my mother after a cancer battle, and my father denied my presence at the casket when JW’s approached. Later, in October, I was married, and my father boycotted attending our wedding and my siblings felt pressured to follow his example.
I felt betrayed, abandoned, unworthy and unloved by my father and siblings. Mainly by my father.
It took me quite a few stubborn, bitter years to acknowledge my part in any of my sins for how the JW’s have treated me.
“If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us”. 1 John 1:8
It wasn’t until Oct, 1988 that I was able to reconcile my life to God, and started my spiritual awakening and understanding of Jesus Christ.
Understanding Jesus and what He has done for me was like a refreshing drink of water to a thirsty soul.
Grace a gift, freely given.
Sins, once confessed, are then forgotten.
“As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us” Psalm 103:12
People, were the ones that were continually judging and condemning me, not God. Not only could I forgive my family, I could forgive myself. Looking back, I can see how he has used some of those desert wandering years. One day I will understand all the pieces.
I re-affirmed my baptism in the Lutheran Church, however, I would still think about it once in a while. The whole JW thing would still haunt me at times. I’d talk to different pastors about it. I was told re-baptism wasn’t necessary and/or they’d forget about it. So, I’d stop thinking about it, for awhile.
I didn’t want to negate that I originally gave my life to YAHWEH and Jesus that I knew and loved at that time, just negate the cult. I’d wonder: how confusing would it be to see me doing it again, and I’d think I would have to explain my story. For years I didn’t want to talk about my experiences with the JW’s. See, I was in control of my story. Who I told, and who I didn’t.
However, it started coming to my mind again. Recently during my small group, it came up. Actually, I brought it up, and the girls said to me, usually if God wants you to do something he will keep bringing something to your mind. I was reminded that my understanding was a more mature understanding, not the youthful understanding I had. I most definitely had spiritually grown.
So I deliberately prayed about it.
“Okay Lord, if this is something you want me to do, nag me about it. Hound me about this. I mean ALL the time, so much that I HAVE to come to a decision of either doing it or accepting I’m okay with where I am. Resolve this for me. I don’t want to not do this because of pride, what will people think, I want to be obedient to you, so hound me Lord. Oh, and if it’s not too much trouble; on Sunday, let there be a message about baptism to confirm it.”
That Sunday there was a message about upcoming baptisms and Jeff talked about Jehovah’s Witnesses in his sermon. Does God have a sense of humor or what?
These last few weeks we’ve been studying about Exodus on Sunday mornings. The last few years I’ve been studying, reading and re-reading the Old Testament.
I don’t think this is a coincidence. This is a God-incidence. This is a God’s thumb print puzzle piece.
Over and over again YAHWEH asks his people – do you trust me?
Over and over again He’s asked me – do you trust me?
Time and time again he’s told His people:
Yes, you’ve seen struggle in finances, health, jobs and relationships.My power is made perfect in weaknesses. I am in control.
You try to control things and it never works out the way you ‘think it should’.Dear one, I’m glad you want to help, but give in. I am in control.
You’ve had people hurt you and others you love with sinful and unloving behavior. I love them as much as I love you. I am in control.
You’ve been betrayed and abandoned by people who you’ve trusted.I was, I am, I will be. I AM NOT LEAVING YOU.
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16
My JW life has been dead and gone, and now it has been washed clean from me. My life and story is His to control as He sees fit.
Had two visitors come “a knocking” going “door to door” a month ago. I knew right away what denomination they represented. I could have guessed what they were going to say even before they opened their mouths.
I knew they were Jehovah’s Witnesses, when I saw the groups of two, by their appearance, their demeanor, the ever present briefcase, and it was confirmed when the Watchtower came up out of the briefcase when I answered the door and said hello.
( I remember well the training, when the person answers the door, keep talking. )
Usually if JW’s come to the door, I don’t get in a discussion, I know from previous experience, they have an answer for everything….it may not be right…but they have an answer, and they are going to argue it.
That day I thought I’d try a different approach. I thought I’d talk to them a while and then tell them I was a disfellowshipedJehovah’s Witness who was confident in my redeeming relationship with Jesus and see what they would do.
It went sort of like this.
Older Man: “We are stopping at people’s homes in your neighborhood talking about the state of the world (gets out the latest issue of the Watchtower, and points out the topic). Who do you think is in control of the world?”
Me: (who has been silently praying and at this moment is wondering should I freak him out and say Jehovah) “God”
Older Man: “Why yes, that is correct.”
Younger Man: (shaking his head and agreeing) “Correct”
(I was half-smiling to myself. I well remember the “we know more than you” attitude and posture from door-to-door days. Some are not even aware of it, others quite so, it is something that comes with the teaching engrained that ‘they are the only ones that are correct’)
(Now here I was thinking I’d like to run and get my Bible, but here is where Cody decides to try to sneak out between my legs, so I grab him and push him back in the door.)
He quickly flipped from one scripture to another, and I was listening closely to see if he read one that was changed. He ended up with the scripture about going and making disciples. Matthew 28:19
I said “yes, the Great Commission.” I thought the younger man’s head would pop off, it jerked up so fast. The older man said, “why yes.”
Then I said, you’ll notice that scripture says “be my witness, not “to witness”. We are called to be a witness by how we live and how we talk and how we treat our neighbors, not just going door to door. The younger one kind of smiled and said your are right we are called to be a witness by how we live.
Then the older one started to talk about how a recent poll showed that theirs was the largest growing religion, not Baptist like most believe. I believe I said “you mean denomination, not religion” and I asked “where are you getting your facts from, as I doubt that”. He hesitated and then started to mention some southern source.
By then, I thought this really isn’t getting anywhere. I could tell the “spin was on” with the older gentlemen. So I figured now was the time to see what he would say if I said that I was a disfellowedship JW.
So I told them.
I told them I was raised as a JW, and that demoniation was not for me. I was a disfellowshiped JW.
I told them, “Look, I don’t have a problem talking with you, but I know you probably have a problem talking with me. I’ve read the Bible from cover to cover, and I know we are all sinners and fall short of the glory of God. I know that my sins once confessed have been forgiven and that Christ died for me and I have a personal relationship with Him. I know what the Bible says about judging.”
The younger guy said I appreciate you telling us. The older guy just wanted to know if my parents lived around here. I told him my mother wasn’t living, and my father did not live in the state.
(Who knows, maybe they have to keep track now if they run into one of “us”.)
Then he said, “well if you want to come back let me know”.
(It was later that I realized, he didn’t tell me who “he” was, guess he was thinking he wouldn’t be running into me again.)
I told them “That wouldn’t be happening. I have a personal relationship with Jesus, and I know Jehovah.” Then I added, “Because you know Jehovah, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are one you know. (they are not taught that) It’s in the Bible, and the Bible tells you the truth if you read it from cover to cover not just your magazines and books.” (I looked right at the younger guy when I said that. For some reason I felt like he was the one that needed to hear that.)
I should add the older man packed up pretty quick after that.
Afterwards I thought of more that I could have said.
Isn’t that they way it always goes.
But then I figure I am only asked to plant a seed. So I planted a seed, what kind of soil it falls on and what happens next isn’t up to me.
One person plants a seed, another adds some water, another some more, and so on. If the soil is fertile God will make it grow.
When it comes to JW’s you need to plant a seed of questioning what they have been told. A seed to read the Bible to search for themselves. A seed to search for the truth.
Just As I Am 