Tag: Disfellowshipping

This is the name and the process that the Jehovah’s Witnesses do when they want to isolate an individual from their group and family. Similar to shunning in the Amish community.

The call back

~ Denise ~ 11 Comments

I was wondering if he would call me back.

And he did.

This morning, I talked to my Dad after well, I don’t remember how many years.

He was hesitant, slightly awkward sounding, but yet anxious to talk.  He proceeded to tell me he had been busy the day before going door to door, giving a talk (Jehovah’s Witness language for preaching) in the evening, and had missed seeing my call until later at night.

We talked about my message that we had moved.

Mid discussion, I prayed for the right words.  I prayed for what I needed.

Compassion is what Jesus gave me.  Compassion, and the confidence to speak boldly in love.

I heard sadness when he told me that he still loves me and thinks of me, and that it’s just a shame.

I could sense a tired man in his 80’s.  I could hear the sadness, but also a holding on to a life of what he believes.

As gently and lovingly as I could I told him I loved him too, but that he needed to understand that any of my past sins have been forgiven and forgotten by Jesus and they are gone and in the past, and it was too bad he didn’t feel that way too.

He mentioned something about yes, God sits in judgment of us, and that he does say he will forgive us.

I told him Christ forgave me years ago, and I was secure in that belief.  I was good about it.  I wish he felt that way too.  God sits in judgment, not men, or more importantly religious organizations.  That was something he would had to come to grips with.

He started talking about other things.  Pleasantries, like the weather, and how his sister, my aunt was doing.

When he said he thought of me over the years, I told him that I thought of him too, and while I may have wanted to call him or talk to him before I didn’t.  I didn’t because I felt like I was honoring his statements of no contact.  But that part of me wanted to just call anyway because I don’t agree with his position.  So I felt like I was honoring his wishes but I did not agree with it.  This also was something he had to come to grips with.

It was like our roles were reversed, where at one time I would have been quiet and listened while he talked; now I was bold.

A few more pleasantries, and then the conversation ended.

I’m not looking back on what else I could have or might have said.

What will become of this?  I don’t know.

But I know who does.

Lord,

Thank you for giving me a glimpse of seeing through your eyes.

Forgive me when I look just through mine at those around me……..including my Dad.

This is in your hands.

I trust you.

In Jesus name,

Amen.

The Promised Land

~ Denise ~ 2 Comments

Today I was lowered into a tub of water.   Renewed, refreshed, and washed cleaned.

I was 15 the first time I was baptized, young, giving my life to God as I understood him; however I was also a Jehovah’s Witness.  Being baptized as a JW means you are baptized into that cult.  At the time I didn’t fully understand the ramifications.

As I questioned the hypocrisy and the teachings of the JW’s, I moved out and disassociated myself from them in my early 20’s, however, they still considered me a JW.  The witnesses, or my parents, looked for a reason to take action against me I guess, sort of an “example”.  Often one of my parents would try to call or stop by my apartment to try to “catch me” in some sort of sin.  By the year 1984, I found myself dealing with a roller coaster of emotions.  In the Spring, the JW’s disfellowshipped/shunned me after a prompting by my father stating I was not living a Christian life to their standards.   During the early part of July, we buried my mother after a cancer battle, and my father denied my presence at the casket when JW’s approached.    Later, in October, I was married, and my father boycotted attending our wedding and my siblings felt pressured to follow his example.

I felt betrayed, abandoned, unworthy and unloved by my father and siblings.   Mainly by my father.

It took me quite a few stubborn, bitter years to acknowledge my part in any of my sins for how the JW’s have treated me.

“If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us”.  1 John 1:8

It wasn’t until Oct, 1988 that I was able to reconcile my life to God, and started my spiritual awakening and understanding of Jesus Christ.

Understanding Jesus and what He has done for me was like a refreshing drink of water to a thirsty soul.

Grace a gift, freely given.

Sins, once confessed, are then forgotten.

“As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us”  Psalm 103:12

People, were the ones that were continually judging and condemning me, not God.  Not only could I forgive my family, I could forgive myself.  Looking back, I can see how he has used some of those desert wandering years.  One day I will understand all the pieces.

I re-affirmed my baptism in the Lutheran Church, however, I would still think about it once in a while.   The whole JW thing would still haunt me at times.   I’d talk to different pastors about it.  I was told re-baptism wasn’t necessary and/or they’d forget about it.  So, I’d stop thinking about it, for awhile.

I didn’t want to negate that I originally gave my life to YAHWEH and Jesus that I knew and loved at that time, just negate the cult.  I’d wonder:  how confusing would it be to see me doing it again, and I’d think I would have to explain my story.  For years I didn’t want to talk about my experiences with the JW’s.  See, I was in control of my story.  Who I told, and who I didn’t.

However, it started coming to my mind again.  Recently during my small group, it came up.  Actually, I brought it up, and the girls said to me, usually if God wants you to do something he will keep bringing something to your mind.   I was reminded that my understanding was a more mature understanding, not the youthful understanding I had.  I most definitely had spiritually grown.

So I deliberately prayed about it.

“Okay Lord, if this is something you want me to do, nag me about it.  Hound me about this.  I mean ALL the time, so much that I HAVE to come to a decision of either doing it or accepting I’m okay with where I am.  Resolve this for me.  I don’t want to not do this because of pride, what will people think, I want to be obedient to you, so hound me Lord.  Oh, and if it’s not too much trouble; on Sunday, let there be a message about baptism to confirm it.”

That Sunday there was a message about upcoming baptisms and Jeff talked about Jehovah’s Witnesses in his sermon.  Does God have a sense of humor or what?

These last few weeks we’ve been studying about Exodus on Sunday mornings.  The last few years I’ve been studying, reading and re-reading the Old Testament.

I don’t think this is a coincidence.  This is a God-incidence.  This is a God’s thumb print puzzle piece.

Over and over again YAHWEH asks his people – do you trust me?

Over and over again He’s asked me – do you trust me?

Time and time again he’s told His people:

Yes, you’ve seen struggle in finances, health, jobs and relationships.  My power is made perfect in weaknesses.  I am in control.

You try to control things and it never works out the way you ‘think it should’.  Dear one, I’m glad you want to help, but give in.  I am in control.

You’ve had people hurt you and others you love with sinful and unloving behavior.  I love them as much as I love you.  I am in control.

You’ve been betrayed and abandoned by people who you’ve trusted.  I was, I am, I will be.  I AM NOT LEAVING YOU.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”  John 3:16

My JW life has been dead and gone, and now it has been washed clean from me.  My life and story is His to control as He sees fit.

I see the Promised Land.  I want to cross over.

Saturday Morning Chat

~ Denise ~ 4 Comments

Had a nice visit with my Aunt and Uncle (my mother’s brother) two Saturdays ago.  Well not an actual visit. It was more of a phone visit.  I just had the urge to call Saturday morning and well, did it.  We talked for a good hour.  My Aunt is battling ovarian cancer.  Her spirits are high though, and we caught up on things, and talked about family…both living and gone.

It was a bittersweet conversation in some ways because July 5th was the anniversary of my mother’s death 26 years ago to the same disease.  Since I was on speakerphone I was able to hear my Uncle’s comments too about my mother.

I never really talked much about my mother, and it was a few years ago that I realized that it was partially because I never allowed myself to fully grieve for her.  Grieving for her used to involve guilt.  Thinking about her death reminded me of pain.  Not just the pain of losing her, but the pain from the period of my life.   It was when she was fighting cancer and dieing that the the JW’s were fighting against me and in the process of disfellowshipping me.

The JW’s disfellowshipped me while Mom was still alive,  and my Grandmom told me that  she told my Mom she thought the whole thing was ridiculous, and that Mom shouldn’t go to the Kingdom Hall (what the JW’s call their church) when they publicly announced it; but Mom went anyway.  My mother was stubborn, she wouldn’t let anyone know if you hurt her, she would hold her head up.  Mom and I didn’t talk much about the whole disfellowshipping process.   Dad was the one who usually had something to say to me about it, usually the one who voiced his disappointment.  I distanced myself from home, because I always felt like I was disappointing them when I came home, not good enough.  (Why can’t  Dad’s sometimes realize saying “I’m disappointed in you” can mean the same as “you’re not good enough”?)  There were some “fine-upstanding JW’s” that told me that perhaps my mother was sick because of my behavior.  So guilt was with me.  I visited Mom.  But looking back, I used my work as more of an excuse than I needed to.  I could have spent more time with her.  I protected myself from the pain.

I was there though, at the initial surgery delivering the first cancer blow, at the last surgery, when they just closed her up saying they couldn’t do anything, and in the room when she drew her last breath.   At my mother’s funeral, many visitors came to pay their final respects.  For a while I stayed at the casket with my father and my sister and brother.  All but two of the JW’s that I known growing up passed by me in silence.  One or two would look at me with disapproving frowns.  I wasn’t particularly greeted standing with my father, sister and brother at the casket;  and when I overheard my father introduce my siblings to people and completely ignore me, I left and sat with my Grandmother off to the side.  I didn’t know if anyone else noticed the whole thing, I just remember having my head down, trying to hide the tears until I could control them and put my head up again.  I found out later that it was obvious to others, and my mother’s brothers were furious.  So to protect myself emotionally from that pain I didn’t think about that time.  Unfortunately, I didn’t think then about my mother.

I didn’t realize it back then, but God was continuing to direct people around me, encouraging me not to give up on Him.  (My initial reaction to the disfellowshipping was anger against God.  It wasn’t until later that I realized it was a denomination, not God that I was mad at.)  Two such individuals were my Aunt and Uncle.  Actually, most of  my mother’s side of the family, one of my father’s sisters and one niece came to support my wedding day October of 1984; three months after Mom’s death.  My father, brother and sister would not attend.  My Uncle walked me down the aisle, and my Grandmother filled the shoes of my Mom.  My mother’s family has always continued to love and support me.

The other part.  I’ve worked through that.    Parents that are supposed to love you unconditionally that don’t, well – you have to forgive them for it or it will eat at you.  I didn’t tell Dad I forgave him.  He really doesn’t talk to me.  Forgiving people who hurt you eases your pain.   Part of the process was to realize the mistakes that I did make.  Accept the grace.  Then the hard part…forgive myself. That took the longest time.  Understanding the grace, realizing my sins, confessed, have been forgiven andforgotten.  Grace – undeserved, given freely as a gift.

Sins forgotten. Pain eased. I’m not going to lie and say that sometimes it doesn’t cause a certain degree of sadness to think of memories associated with those times.  However, I can say that there is no pain, no anguish.  I feel a sadness for the individuals who really don’t know any better than what twisted “truths” they have been taught.

Now I can sit and talk about Mom and we can remember pleasant memories.  However, I can also sit and talk about her battle with cancer and her last days.  I can talk with my Aunt and Uncle about the conversations they had with her.  These conversations though while sad, can still bring joy because the pain is gone.

Just a little piece left…

~ Denise ~ Leave a comment

It can be hard to explain sometimes what it was like being a JW, and why even though I haven’t been around them since I was in my 20’s it still has a subtle impact in  my life.  I was doing some web surfing and came upon some videos that I thought would be worthwhile sharing.

This young lady does a good job explaining why it can be particularly hard to move on when you have been a JW.  There is always a piece of you left that can be painful sometimes.

Looking Back..Cleaning Out

~ Denise ~ Leave a comment
Ready for Door to Door

I’ve been doing some Spring cleaning, and cleaning out stuff. It’s amazing the things you come across.
When I wrote my post on Hypocrisy, I wasn’t thinking about a journal entry I had written years ago, but finding it and reading it, I thought it might be interesting to post my reflections from back then. Unfortunately, I didn’t date it, but from reading the entire journal entry, the best I can figure it was written sometime in 1988. Here is part of the journal entry.

1988

I am a victim of religious mental abuse. Being the child of Jehovah’s Witnesses is giving up the term itself as a child. There are no Jehovah’s Witness children. They are only small people being taught to speak adult words with child-like voices. The saddest part of being one of these small people is the persecution that you endure from those around you.

In the kingdom hall they preach to you that if you are living the life that God wishes you to, you will be persecuted. Ironically, those that are the worst tormentors are often those that speak these words. I never felt that I was different from other boys and girls until I went to school. Until that time you feel that you are no different than those around you because you are constantly surrounded by people that are the same. Children’s playmates are all “good” Jehovah’s Witness children.

Then the reality of life is thrust upon you. You go to school. At first the truth does not become too apparent because most children are busy readjusting to the rigors of school life. In those first few hours at school, you spend time trying to learn more about those around you. As you learn more about the children in your class, you being to realize you are different. Your classmates describe the things that they do at home, the games they play, the birthday presents, the holiday happenings, the group parties, children’s parties, etc. All these things are alien and forbidden to you. Now begins the deepest conflict you will encounter; good versus evil.

Seven days a week you are taught that holidays, sport activities, pursuit of careers, pursuit of artistic talents, and those children and people that are not Jehovah’s Witnesses are worldly people. Worldly people in the sense that they are not fit associations for you to be around. You are taught that they do not know any better, that it is your duty to tell them that they are behaving in a manner that is displeasing to God. Such an emotional torment begins because you cannot see the evil in all those around you. Sure in children that are trouble makers or bullies, it is easy to label them as being bad, but those children that you like to think of as potential friends, and may even admire will always be labeled as “worldly” and as such unbecoming associates.

Any sign of rebellious attitudes, such as wanting to associate, get together with other children or play after school is discouraged by those professing to be true Jehovah Witnesses.

Such was the life that I led. I would go to school during the day, envying those children around me that had friendships, those that played in groups after school and those who enjoyed holidays that I was forbidden to. We were instructed not to salute the flag, not to stand during the national anthem, not to participate in any after school activities, not to participate in any activities which were in any way related to celebrations or holidays. That meant that we were not allowed to work on school projects, draw, sing, wish anyone a happy birthday, or show any interest in holidays. We were taught that all these things were pagan originated. If you were “caught” participating in, even in such a small thing as saying “God bless you” when a person sneezed (which was taught as pagan originated) you were made to feel guilty, reprimanded and preached to on your sins against Jehovah.

I remembered how awkward and embarrassed I would be in school. I liked to think that I had friends, but I was never given the opportunity to become friends with anyone who wasn’t a Jehovah’s Witness. The only association outside of the JW’s that I was able to participate in was when I escaped from the watchful eyes of my parents or fellow witnesses and enjoyed relatives company that weren’t witnesses. (My relatives on my mother’s side are not witnesses and we were allowed to spend some time with them.)

How I envied that joy and fun that I saw the others were having. Along with the envy came guilt. We were constantly taught that God was watching us and taking note of our actions and thoughts. We were never free to dream. Even now on occasions, some 10 years later after disassociating myself from the JW’s, the guilt will overcome me, never feeling good enough. The repetitious sermons were embedded deep in the sub-conscious.

I was always aware of watchful eyes. Having an older sister, and other witness children attending my school, any action or deed that was not deemed “appropriate behavior” for a witness was reported to the elders of the congregation. My father is an elder. Having been raised as a JW, his belief is firmly rooted. My mother was raised as a Presbyterian, but converted to a JW because she loved my father. Witnesses are only allowed to marry other witnesses. Any deviation from this is punished severely. I often wondered is my mother regretted her decision to convert. Having deceased four years ago, I cannot have an honest discussion with her about it. When she was living I did not have the courage or the strength to openly question the teaching I received.

With the onset of puberty came even more conflicting emotions. My peers were also changing toward me. When I started junior high, I met more children than I had known from grade school. Thus began my double life. To those who did not know me from grade school, or know the family, I strived to lead them to believe that I was no different from them. I would pretend to celebrate the holidays that they had, and pretend to have outside friends and activities.

When I’d get home from school, evenings would be spent with family and other witnesses. Three days a week we would go the kingdom hall for spiritual training. During this study time, children were instructed to sit quietly with their parents. All scriptures quoted would be looked up in the JW’s bible translation. Advance studying was done so that you could answer questions directed to the congregation. Children that became restless or disruptive were taken outside to be disciplined. Instructions were delivered to “train the children to sit quietly, while meetings were going on”.

The basic beliefs of the JW’s are that they are the only true disciples of God. All other religions are wrong. If you are not a JW then you are not a Christian. They believe that God will destroy all those that are not true disciples at Armageddon. It does not matter your age, race, nationality, physical condition, it only matters if you are a JW. Any family members you have that are not a JW will be destroyed. Children will be destroyed if their parents are not faithful. Only those children that are faithful, baptized JW’s will be spared.

During my childhood, they had a time for Armageddon to arrive. The year was to be 1975.

Witnesses were encouraged to sell their belongings, cash in their life insurance policies. They were instructed that they should only have enough to keep them living until 1975. After that the world would live in peace and people would take care of each other. We were not to spend needless time with hobbies, activities, careers because we would have plenty of time for that after Armageddon. They believed they would have an eternity for that. What we were supposed to be spending our time doing was going door to door preaching about Jehovah and his will. It was about trying to convert all those around us to JW’s. We were instructed that this was how we could save those we loved as our neighbors. We were instructed that when the end would come that then we would know Jehovah. That asking for God’s forgiveness at Armageddon would be too late. Even a hurried baptism before 1975 arrived would not appear to be sincere if you have been studying to be a JW.

…..to be continued

Hypocrisy

~ Denise ~ 1 Comment

I couldn’t have put a name on it back then when I was a child, but now I know what bothered me….it was the hypocrisy that I felt in the Jehovah’s Witnesses.  It was the feeling that they were somehow better than those in the “world”.  It was an uncomfortable and unsettling feeling growing inside of me of pride, and I was turning the same way.  I was beginning to feel “better” than the “world” too.  That people I encountered, even if I liked them, I had an “edge” on.  We were told that they didn’t “know better”.  It was our job to “teach them”.  That’s why the witnesses go door to door; to teach and instruct, to convert people to become witnesses.  That’s why they have that half-smile, the always pleasantly coached answer.  They have been trained well.  They feel they are the only ones on the straight and narrow path to life.   Everyone else isn’t.  If you don’t follow them and their teachings and their interpretations of the Bible, then you are part of the world, and thus ignorant, you just don’t know any better.

The trouble was I liked people.  I couldn’t always see the difference between the witnesses and the non-witnesses.  Sure, there were times when I could see a distinction I thought, like when I perceived someone as unkind, or doing something that I felt was wrong, and then in my mind I would deem them “worldly”.  So growing up, I somehow got this message in me that people who weren’t Jehovah’s Witnesses weren’t like us; they were worldly, or bad.  Worldly = bad.  Anyone who wasn’t a witness was bad.  How warped is that?   I was always struggling with this thing inside me of liking what I had been told were “bad” people.  Hence then, I must be bad.

You have to realize that my recollections of the teachings of the JW’s are from my youth and into my late teens.  That was a long time ago.  I have spent quite a long time trying to retrain my mind.  The JW’s will take scriptures out of context to support their teachings, and once that has been ingrained in your brain, Satan will use that to his advantage to make you doubt yourself, frustrate you and hinder you in understanding God’s grace.  I felt for years that the witnesses used a form of mental abuse, consciously or sub-consciously.  It wasn’t until years later that I discovered they are actually classified as a cult, which validated my feelings.  Some comfort, but doesn’t change anything when you’ve lived through it.

When I left the witnesses, and spent time with people that the witnesses called “worldly”, I saw the same hypocrisy that I felt with the witnesses.  Then I doubted myself even further, and didn’t know what to believe.

Here’s the thing about hypocrisy….we can’t help it.  It’s in us.  It’s sin.  We have to fight it.  We can’t deny it.  I don’t care how great of a person you think you are, whether you are a Christian or not, what denomination you are in, what religion you practice, whether you believe in God or not, whether you think you are a good person or not, you are or have been a hypocrite at one time.  We all have.

That criminal…….he deserves everything he gets…….that homeless person…. why don’t they get a job….that overweight person, why don’t they stop eating so much….look at the way that person is dressed….I wouldn’t wear that….listen to what he/she just said….I wouldn’t say that….can you believe how stupid they are…..don’t they even know that….why can’t so and so help…I’ve done my part….. We may not say it, but we certainly think it sometimes.  We’re better.  We know more.  We do more.  We are more.  We make more.  We look better.  Whatever “it” is that we think we are better at that creeps into our minds.

It isn’t something we want to admit is it?  It isn’t something to be proud of.  But pride is what we feel.  Hypocrisy and pride, two sins hand in hand.

I think that is what turns people off against some Christians.  Too many people who call themselves Christians don’t want to admit they have the same hypocritical and prideful attitude at times.  Come on people let’s be real.

There was only one person who walked this earth who could say they were not a hypocrite at all in their life.  And that was Jesus.  He was about love, unconditional love.  So everybody else needs to just get real and admit that they’ve dealt with it, have to deal with it and will probably deal with it again sometime in the future.

So one of the struggles that I’ve had to fight over the years, was that subtle mental upbringing of always judging the good vs. the bad; trying to live up to an impossible ideal, and then beating me up when I failed.  Anybody else get on that merry-go-round?  Remember, we’re getting real here.   It really doesn’t matter which seat you choose to ride, they all go up and down, around in the same circle, going nowhere.

You know what stopped the struggle?

Getting off that ride.