This sorting and packing has me finding a lot of different things. Squirreled away were some notes from my sister about why she and the rest of the family wouldn’t be attending our wedding, my journal from the months my Mom struggled with cancer, her funeral, all the feelings I was having around the time my family began their shunning of me. My choice was to challenge and question what I had been taught for years and make my own choices, not what I was told to do. I used to rehearse what I would say if I ran into my Dad when I went to a family funeral, or if I was visiting a relative on my Mother’s side. That hasn’t happened. One day while traveling to see my Dad’s sister in a nursing home, I remember telling Craig, I’m not going to worry about what I would say if I see him, if it happens, it does, and the Holy Spirit will help me to say what I need to say. That was freeing.
Lately, God has reminded me this truth: You are redeemed. I saw a post on Facebook, I am redeemed. My soul cried out yes! I’ve been hearing Big Daddy Weave’s, Redeemed, and my soul cries yes, thank you Lord!
And so, from out of that soulful feeling when I found the notes and my journal came this:
Dad,
This is the conversation we don’t have. It would be the elephant in the room, if we were ever in the same room. That I don’t foresee happening, because you stubbornly hold what you feel you are doing is right. And I will not do what you want me to do.
It shouldn’t surprise you then that I got my share of stubbornness from both you and Mom. Maybe in some corner of you there is sense of connection you feel about that. I wouldn’t know. We don’t talk. We haven’t talked for a very long time. On the rare occasion you have called me, you announce “it’s your Dad”, like I wouldn’t recognize your voice. I do. The fact that you feel you have to do that just emphasizes the distance in our relationship. I think the last time I heard your voice is what like, 6 years ago, on the answering machine? I think the last time I actually saw you was at Grandmom’s funeral in 1995.
Why? Because you hold your denomination rules and regulations over a parental relationship.
Hear me now,
I am redeemed.
Religion says fix yourself, change yourself, do this, do that and then you can be accepted. You don’t live up to the standard; you can’t live up to the standard. You aren’t worthy. For years I bought into that lie.
Then I met Christ. The gospel, the good news is Jesus loves me right where I am, and loves me enough to draw me closer to Him. Jesus is the one who will change me; I don’t have to do it alone, I just had to ask Him.
Here me now,
I am redeemed.
Now, about that elephant.
Do you know how deeply you hurt me when you denied me as your daughter at Mom’s casket? Seemed like you did it so casually. It will be 29 years ago in July, but I still remember it. It was completely acceptable to you have people ignore and “shun” me during that time, including yourself. When I tried to talk you about it, your response was “I brought it on myself, I knew better”.
Abandoned was how I felt. That isn’t the first time I’ve felt that way by you, and it wouldn’t be the last.
I felt like I lost both my parents. But then, that was the goal. That is the purpose of the shunning thing. Cut off ties. Say things like I won’t turn you away if you show up, however I’m not inviting you to the house. Tell them you won’t visit them, and don’t. Get re-married, but don’t invite. Don’t call unless you think you “have to”, and leave the conversation on the note you’d like to talk more often, but it’s because of my actions you don’t. Tell Craig you would go to his wedding if he married someone other than me, but you couldn’t go to ours, and didn’t. I did think you might be more interested in your grandchildren. I was wrong.
The whole purpose of shunning is to make the person shunned miserable, guilty and lonely so that they run back to the witnesses. That is what you wanted, me to confess my sins to the witnesses and go back to being a witness, again. It didn’t seem to matter what changes I made in my life. They didn’t live up to the organization standards. Wouldn’t that mean you’ve made the watchtower organization an idol over God’s Word? It isn’t up to them to decide if I’m forgiven or not for my sins.
Understand, I’m not blaming you for any poor choices I’ve made in my life. I’m responsible for them, just like you are responsible for yours. There were years I was angry with you. Bitter, sad, then resigned to your treatment. Now those feelings have been replaced, with thankfulness.
Thing is, when you along with my siblings decided to cut me off from your life, along with most of your family, I didn’t run back.
I ran forward.
And I am thankful.
Thankful that I ran forward to the One who said I love you just the way you are, who would never forsake or abandon me. The One who loved me when I didn’t love myself. Who loved me enough not to leave me the way I was but to draw me to closer to Him.
The One who knew my name while embedded on the Cross. He unconditionally loved me and bore my sins before I even came to be.
I choose Jesus.
Because of Him, I am redeemed.
This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. Rom. 3:22-24
If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives. 1 John 1:8
My prayers over the years have been that your hearts turn. Turn toward a heart of understanding the truth. Run forward, Dad. Leave the ghosts behind. Be free. He’s waiting for you at the foot of the Cross.
Now that the cat is out of the bag about us moving, I can tell you something funny that happened a few weeks ago.
To be honest, I didn’t find it so humorous on the day it happened.
Being that we are moving to a much colder climate than we have lived in for the last 19+ years I thought I would browse the internet for an acceptable coat to keep myself warm.
We have lived in colder climates before. We are from Pennsylvania. However, this move is going to kick up the cold to another notch. My skin and body temperature has also acclimated to the southern climate. There were times when we would take a trip to PA and someone would forget a coat because it would be warm here.
I do have a ski jacket. I guess I could walk around in my ski coat when I meet cold temperatures but quite frankly when I’ve usually worn my ski coat I’ve been wearing ski pants which keep the lower part of my anatomy warm. Need I say more?
With that in mind I started looking for a parka that had a removable hood (I’m expecting winds) tight cuffs to help keep the cold out and long enough to cover the butt. The parka also had to keep me warm in temperatures that I figured could reach 20-30 below depending on the wind chill, and it had to not break my piggy bank.
Since stores are highlighting their spring fashions and lighter clothing, they had some good deals on the internet. Not too many stores in the south selling a winter parka that fit what I was looking for. I found one online and ordered it.
My parka arrived an early winter day when we had temperatures that was a pleasing near 80 degrees. Yes, 80’s.
When I was younger my sister and I had a teeter totter in the backyard.
I liked it. Up and down in the air I’d go, my feet safely touching the ground. Sometimes one of us would stand up and leave the other dangling up in the air, or even jump off which would produce a stinging jolt on the butt if you didn’t react quick enough! There was always anticipation when dangling in the air…would my sister jump off or not? It was a little scary, but fun, unless I didn’t react quick enough. Even if I get a stinging jolt, it was short-lived and didn’t stop us from enjoying the ride over and over. (I will confess it was more fun when she was the one in the air.)
I have thought about teeter totters this week.
I feel like I have ridden a teeter totter of emotions lately, up in the air, kicking my legs at the height, enjoying the peaceful ebbs of the ups and downs when things are balanced, but also experiencing a few jolts that bring a sting.
Now, to be fair, there is the menopause thing going on. I think menopause is its own teeter totter, physically and emotionally.
But so you get a sense of the ride lately, this is what is going on.
We had been praying about what God wanted us to do and where He wanted us to be for over a year now. I felt like we were in a holding pattern.
We waited. I wish I could say I was always patient during the process.
I tried. I failed some days. I tried, again.
Up and down. Highs and lows.
Somewhere during the waiting process, my prayers changed to being more thankful. When you are stressed about things, praying thankful prayers doesn’t come naturally. At least it didn’t/doesn’t for me. But, once I started, it became easier. It was easier to see how much to be thankful for. I had neglected to remind myself, He was the one that had always taken care of us. He had always provided a place for us, and means for us and a way for us. I just needed to trust Him.
Trust – that thing that can be so hard for me to do at times.
Trusting Him means being giving over: self, marriage, children, family, friends, home, finances, pets, possessions, community, work, hobbies, ministries, everything.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jer. 29:11
When we moved here we thought it would be for a short time.
That was over 19 years ago.
God has other plans for us now.
I don’t believe in coincidences. I believe in God-incidences. Seemingly out of “nowhere” hubby got a call about a job that they wanted to talk to him about. At the same time, our youngest got a job offer in his desired field and has moved out.
So we are officially empty nesters.
We are working, cleaning out, down-sizing, and moving.
20+ years of stuff to go through – need I say more?
We continue to worship with a church community that has been a source of spiritual growth, trusting Him for our next church community.
We are watching others step up to the ministry of helping the homeless in our area that we have been a part of for 3 years as we wait to see what ministry opportunities He has in store for us.
We are saying our goodbyes to friends, not knowing if/when our paths will cross again.
Laughter and tears. Tears and laughter.
Up and down, up and down I’ve been riding the emotional teeter totter lately. Some days I am better at it than others.
This morning I was reminded of these words:
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me – put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. Phil 4:4-9
He’s got this. He is in control of the teeter totter.
My feet are lifted off the ground, I trust you Lord as you take me up and I trust the stings. What I think are stings are just your mercies towards blessings on the ride. When I look back at the ride, it is then I see your mercy and the ride is that much sweeter.
Just As I Am 