I don’t want to forget…

~ Denise ~ 2 Comments

We want to remember things that make an impact on us, but too often, as time passes, the memory fades.  But there is something that happened last week when I was at the CIY conference in Tennessee that I don’t want to forget.  I don’t want to forget the memory or the feeling.  I could feel the brokenness, I could feel the pain…and then I felt it change.

I’m remembering a young man, I don’t know his name or where he was from.  It was the last evening and there were many young people who gathered at the stage to either accept Christ, reconnect with Him or just lay their burdens at the foot of the cross.

Michael asked me to go and pray with two of our students and I was there with them.  It was after I was finished praying and hugging on them, that I became keenly aware of a young man near me in great pain.

His young body was shaking from great sobs and his head was hanging low.  While still hugging one of our students I just felt compelled to reach out to this student and placed a hand on his back.  I could feel the sadness and brokenness coming from him.

I remember when I touched his back it was as if he didn’t feel it at first, he didn’t even flinch.  But then as my hand warmed on his back and he quieted, he just gave a big exhale and completely relaxed.  The boys from our group left and joined the others so I continued to just keep my hand on this young man.

The young guy turned around and looked at me with a sort of half ashamed/sheepish look and I smiled at him like I would with my own kids,’ like you’re loved and it’s all okay’ and gave him a big hug.  He just broke down and hugged me like nobody has ever hugged him before.  Then he broke off and disappeared into the crowd.

I don’t remember saying anything to him, the band was playing, it was awful loud, but if ever I felt like Jesus with skin – that was it.  I felt honored for Jesus to use me to love on one of his children.  I saw His child with His eyes.

Then He opened my eyes to other kids standing around me who just needed a loving hug or touch on the shoulder.  A petite girl who I hadn’t even noticed close to the stage alone, smiling when surrounded by hugs, another crying girl to my left, who changed from sad crying to happy crying as friends came to surround her in hugs.

So, no I don’t want to forget those memories or those feelings.  I want to tuck them away.  To come back to again.

Just a little piece left…

~ Denise ~ Leave a comment

It can be hard to explain sometimes what it was like being a JW, and why even though I haven’t been around them since I was in my 20’s it still has a subtle impact in  my life.  I was doing some web surfing and came upon some videos that I thought would be worthwhile sharing.

This young lady does a good job explaining why it can be particularly hard to move on when you have been a JW.  There is always a piece of you left that can be painful sometimes.

Feelings…Nothing More Than Feelings…..

~ Denise ~ Leave a comment

Feelings…nothing more than feelings….

Remember that song?  That tune is stuck in my head, of course I can’t remember all the lyrics.  (I have them here, somewhere in my sheet music, but that is too much work…it is enough satisfaction if you now have the tune stuck in YoUr head right now.)

We get stuck in feelings.  Especially us women.  We seem to be such emotional beings.  I mean I know it’s not just me.

I mean I hope it’s not just me.

It is when we are stuck in our feelings that we are playing the game of life.  Sometimes playing that game of life can make us disconnected and discouraged and we may not FEEL God’s presence.  I was reminded the other day, thankfully, God’s presence ISN’T about OUR feelings.  He is ALWAYS with us…even when we don’t feel like it.  He is always with us and always sees us.  We are fearfully and wonderfully made by the hands of one who knows everything about us.  He designed us to find Him.

For many years I read about people having a “life book or verse” from the Bible.  I thought that would be neat.  However, I never felt like I had one.  There were scriptures that I liked, but no one particular verse or book that I felt was “my life”.  It wasn’t until a few years ago, that while reading through the Psalms that Psalm 139 struck me.

“O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.  You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.  Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.” Psalm 139: 1-4

That’s true Lord.  You’ve known me all these years.  You’ve watched me.  You’ve known my thoughts, you knew what I was going to do and say before I did.  (I remember talking to you about some of those things.) You will continue to know me.  You will continue to know the words on my tongue before I even say them.  (Help me bite my tongue when I need to.)

“You hem me in – behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.  Such knowledge is to wonderful for me, too lofty me to attain.” Psalm 139:5-6

You’ve kept with me Lord, kept me under your scrutiny, (even when I didn’t want it). I confess I don’t understand everything about you Lord.  There are somethings that are too lofty for my mind to comprehend.

“Where can I go from your Spirit?  Where can I go from your presence?  If I go to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.  If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,’ even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.” Psalm 139:7-12

I tried to hide from you Lord.  I know I tried to pretend you couldn’t see me in the darkness those many years ago.  I can’t use the excuse I was young, I knew better.  I was just hiding.  (I didn’t like me, why would you?)

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:13

“You have this flaw” Satan whispers to us; whispered to me over and over.  “More than one!” he tells us.  We need to remember Satan is the father of lies!  God doesn’t make junk!  Look around, look at creation. Look at the beauty!  Now read that verse again.  I’ve read this over and over.  Now when I read these verses it has the power to bring tears to my eyes.  The Maker of the universe purposely knit me!  His works are wonderful!  His works have a purpose.  I am one of his works.  He knit me together with a plan, a purpose.  He created ME, He knit ME, I am fearfully and wonderfully made, His works ARE wonderful!     Now think of yourself in that scripture.  He purposely knit YOU!   YOU are one of His wonderful works!

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139: 14-16

Lord, you make me feel so special that you took such care of forming me in my mother’s womb, caring for me there, seeing me there, ordaining all my days, even before one of them came to be.

“How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!  How vast is the sum of them!  Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.  When I awake, I am still with you.” Psalm 139:17-18

How thankful I am for your thoughts of us…your precious gift..your saving grace….you thought of each of us on the cross…you thought of me..

“If only you would slay the wicked, O God!  Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!  They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.  Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD, and abhor those who rise up against you?  I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.” Psalm 139:19-22

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.”  Psalm 139:23

Continue to search me Lord, test me, work in me, know my anxious thoughts…..guard my heart and my mind.

“See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”  Psalm 139:24

Examine me, keep me true.  Holy Spirit work in me.

We all want to be known and loved, whether we admit it or not.

Loved.  Now don’t you feel loved after reading Psalm 139?

Now ThAT is a feeling……

Migraine Hangover

~ Denise ~ Leave a comment

Probably wondered what happened to this scatterbrain…or then maybe you didn’t.

My migraine meds were doing really well there for a while, but now I’m having some trouble again, so when that happens I have some difficulty focusing on expressing myself clearly.  Things get foggy.  It can feel like you are operating in slow motion.  It’s a migraine hangover after the headache is gone.  And that becomes frustrating.   I swear I’ll be thinking something and fully intend to say one thing and something entirely different will come out of my mouth!

Can make for some interesting conversations…can also make it easy to insert your foot into your mouth.

Me (thinking Tuesday is Wednesday) to Thursday birthday boy  – “What do you want to do for your birthday tomorrow?”

Him – (puzzled) – “I don’t know”

Me (later in the day, still thinking it is Wednesday) – “Do you know yet what you want to do tomorrow?”

Him –“Mom, my birthday is Thursday.”

Me – “I know your birthday is Thursday.  I know what day you were born.”

Him – “Mom, tomorrow is Wednesday.”

Me – “I thought today was Wednesday, it sure feels like Wednesday.  Agh.”

I hate migraine hangovers.  They fog the brain.  Sigh….Sorry son.

4-27 Tapestry

~ Denise ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes I get anxious to see the other side of the tapestry.  All I can see are the knots.  And there have been some big knots.  I mean when the threads of our lives have woven and inter-woven so many times and it looks like one big jumbled mess, I’d just like to see what the final picture looks like.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11

I get that, but I have to admit that sometimes I struggle with my little mustard seed of faith when I see the jumble of threads and knots.

I could pretend that I have it all together all the time, and don’t have questions and struggle with things.

But who would I be kidding?

Not my family, not my friends.  Not anyone who really knows me.

I was pondering and feeling more than a little inadequate with my little mustard seed of faith about the matter, when I opened my emails and happened upon my daily devotion for the day:

John 3:27 we find a simple but powerful truth, “God in heaven appoints each person’s work” (NLT). John explained that because God had given him his work, he had to continue it until God called him to do something else. Amos raised sheep until God called him to be a prophet proclaiming God’s message to others. If you are following God’s blueprint for your life, your job is part of your life plan and you are successful. God can and will work through you to do extraordinary things, no matter how “ordinary” your occupation may be in the eyes of man.

I know there are days when the will of God seems completely wrong and we do not understand. We are treading water, desperately longing to see Him walking on the treacherous waves toward us, rescue in His hand. It is in those shadowed moments that we must choose to trust the Plan Maker because His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. One day, every one of our question marks will be yanked into exclamation points as we see that high plan as He sees it – perfect! – Mary Southerland (Girlfriends in God)

Here was a message that I needed to hear, delivered at the right time.  I don’t know why it still surprises me when that happens.  Instead of focusing on the knots, I need to focus on the beauty of the individual threads and colors.  I need to be thankful for the gifts and abilities that He has given, and trust Him to guide my steps and decisions.

I know this.  I just need to be reminded sometimes.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you..

~ Denise ~ 4 Comments

Well, I did warn you that I’m apt to jump all over the place.  I said “to be continued” on my last blog entry, but my mind seems in a “holding pattern” on it.

I have the rest of my journal entry from that time, but I really don’t want to revisit it right now.  So since my brain hasn’t felt like thinking on it, I haven’t posted on it.  But then I got to thinking, I might not feel like visiting that for a while, so I figure I better let you know where I am in that.  I’ll get back to it when I can.  It’s just sort of “stuck” right now.

I get that way.  I’m actually thinking and writing on two different blog entries and they are in pieces.  I get to a point and I have to stop.  Trouble is when I stop, it isn’t in a logical stopping point where I can post, it’s just a point when my brain says enough.

Sometimes I’m tired, sometimes I get distracted, sometimes there are other things to do or sometimes I really don’t want to think or remember where it’s taking me.  And then there is the “I lost my train of thought, and I can’t get it back.”  THaT’s frustrating!

So this is where I am right now random things.   Probably blame it on hormones or lack of hormones – yeah – menopause.  Oh, great, another topic I can blog about.  Now I have another post to start, and maybe get finished…

wait….maybe I already did that…..

I better check