Category: Lessons I’m Learning

Hear me now, I am redeemed!

~ Denise ~ 5 Comments

This sorting and packing has me finding a lot of different things.  Squirreled away were some notes from my sister about why she and the rest of the family wouldn’t be attending our wedding, my journal from the months my Mom struggled with cancer, her funeral, all the feelings I was having around the time my family began their shunning of me.    My choice was to challenge and question what I had been taught for years and make my own choices, not what I was told to do.   I used to rehearse what I would say if I ran into my Dad when I went to a family funeral, or if I was visiting a relative on my Mother’s side.  That hasn’t happened.  One day while traveling to see my Dad’s sister in a nursing home, I remember telling Craig, I’m not going to worry about what I would say if I see him, if it happens, it does, and the Holy Spirit will help me to say what I need to say.  That was freeing.

Lately, God has reminded me this truth:  You are redeemed.  I saw a post on Facebook,  I am redeemed.  My soul cried out yes!  I’ve been hearing Big Daddy Weave’s, Redeemed, and my soul cries yes, thank you Lord!

And so, from out of that soulful feeling when I found the notes and my journal came this:

Dad,

This is the conversation we don’t have.  It would be the elephant in the room, if we were ever in the same room.  That I don’t foresee happening, because you stubbornly hold what you feel you are doing is right.  And I will not do what you want me to do.

It shouldn’t surprise you then that I got my share of stubbornness from both you and Mom.  Maybe in some corner of you there is sense of connection you feel about that.  I wouldn’t know.  We don’t talk.  We haven’t talked for a very long time.  On the rare occasion you have called me, you announce  “it’s your Dad”, like I wouldn’t recognize your voice.   I do.  The fact that you feel you have to do that just emphasizes the distance in our relationship.   I think the last time I heard your voice is what like, 6 years ago, on the answering machine?  I think the last time I actually saw you was at Grandmom’s funeral in 1995.

Why?  Because you hold your denomination rules and regulations over a parental relationship.

Hear me now,

I am redeemed.

Religion says fix yourself, change yourself, do this, do that and then you can be accepted.  You don’t live up to the standard; you can’t live up to the standard.  You aren’t worthy.  For years I bought into that lie.

Then I met Christ.  The gospel, the good news is Jesus loves me right where I am, and loves me enough to draw me closer to Him.  Jesus is the one who will change me; I don’t have to do it alone, I just had to ask Him.

Here me now,

I am redeemed.

Now, about that elephant.

Do you know how deeply you hurt me when you denied me as your daughter at Mom’s casket?  Seemed like you did it so casually.   It will be 29 years ago in July, but I still remember it.  It was completely acceptable to you have people ignore and “shun” me during that time, including yourself.  When I tried to talk you about it, your response was “I brought it on myself, I knew better”.

Abandoned was how I felt.  That isn’t the first time I’ve felt that way by you, and it wouldn’t be the last.

I felt like I lost both my parents.  But then, that was the goal.  That is the purpose of the shunning thing.  Cut off ties.    Say things like I won’t turn you away if you show up, however I’m not inviting you to the house.    Tell them you won’t visit them, and don’t.  Get re-married, but don’t invite.  Don’t call unless you think you “have to”, and leave the conversation on the note you’d like to talk more often, but it’s because of my actions you don’t.  Tell Craig you would go to his wedding if he married someone other than me, but you couldn’t go to ours, and didn’t.  I did think you might be more interested in your grandchildren.  I was wrong.

The whole purpose of shunning is to make the person shunned miserable, guilty and lonely so that they run back to the witnesses.  That is what you wanted, me to confess my sins to the witnesses and go back to being a witness, again.  It didn’t seem to matter what changes I made in my life.  They didn’t live up to the organization standards.  Wouldn’t that mean you’ve made the watchtower organization an idol over God’s Word?   It isn’t up to them to decide if I’m forgiven or not for my sins.

Understand, I’m not blaming you for any poor choices I’ve made in my life.  I’m responsible for them, just like you are responsible for yours.   There were years I was angry with you.   Bitter, sad, then resigned to your treatment.  Now those feelings have been replaced, with thankfulness.

Thing is, when you along with my siblings decided to cut me off from your life, along with most of your family, I didn’t run back.

I ran forward.

And I am thankful.

Thankful that I ran forward to the One who said I love you just the way you are, who would never forsake or abandon me.   The One who loved me when I didn’t love myself.  Who loved me enough not to leave me the way I was but to draw me to closer to Him.

The One who knew my name while embedded on the Cross.   He unconditionally loved me and bore my sins before I even came to be.

I choose Jesus.

Because of Him, I am redeemed.

This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe.  There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.  Rom. 3:22-24

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.  If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.  If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.  1 John 1:8

My prayers over the years have been that your hearts turn.   Turn toward a heart of understanding the truth.   Run forward, Dad.  Leave the ghosts behind.  Be free.  He’s waiting for you at the foot of the Cross.

I’m not going back.

Here me now,

I am redeemed.  Thank God, redeemed.

Teeter Totter

~ Denise ~ 7 Comments
Seesaw
Seesaw (Photo credit: nzgabriel)

When I was younger my sister and I had a teeter totter in the backyard.

I liked it.  Up and down in the air I’d go, my feet safely touching the ground.  Sometimes one of us would stand up and leave the other dangling up in the air, or even jump off which would produce a stinging jolt on the butt if you didn’t react quick enough!  There was always anticipation when dangling in the air…would my sister jump off or not?  It was a little scary, but fun, unless I didn’t react quick enough.  Even if I get a stinging jolt, it was short-lived and didn’t stop us from enjoying the ride over and over.  (I will confess it was more fun when she was the one in the air.)

I have thought about teeter totters this week.

I feel like I have ridden a teeter totter of emotions lately, up in the air, kicking my legs at the height, enjoying the peaceful ebbs of the ups and downs when things are balanced, but also experiencing a few jolts that bring a sting.

Now, to be fair, there is the menopause thing going on.  I think menopause is its own teeter totter, physically and emotionally.

But so you get a sense of the ride lately, this is what is going on.

We had been praying about what God wanted us to do and where He wanted us to be for over a year now.  I felt like we were in a holding pattern.

We waited.  I wish I could say I was always patient during the process.

I tried. I failed some days.  I tried, again.

Up and down.  Highs and lows.

Somewhere during the waiting process, my prayers changed to being more thankful.  When you are stressed about things, praying thankful prayers doesn’t come naturally.  At least it didn’t/doesn’t for me.  But, once I started, it became easier.  It was easier to see how much to be thankful for.  I had neglected to remind myself, He was the one that had always taken care of us.  He had always provided a place for us, and means for us and a way for us.  I just needed to trust Him.

Trust – that thing that can be so hard for me to do at times.

Trusting Him means being giving over:  self, marriage, children, family, friends, home, finances, pets, possessions, community, work, hobbies, ministries, everything.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.   Jer. 29:11

When we moved here we thought it would be for a short time.

That was over 19 years ago.

God has other plans for us now.

I don’t believe in coincidences.  I believe in God-incidences.  Seemingly out of “nowhere” hubby got a call about a job that they wanted to talk to him about.  At the same time, our youngest got a job offer in his desired field and has moved out.

So we are officially empty nesters.

We are working, cleaning out, down-sizing, and moving.

20+ years of stuff to go through – need I say more?

We continue to worship with a church community that has been a source of spiritual growth, trusting Him for our next church community.

We are watching others step up to the ministry of helping the homeless in our area that we have been a part of for 3 years as we wait to see what ministry opportunities He has in store for us.

We are saying our goodbyes to friends, not knowing if/when our paths will cross again.

Laughter and tears.  Tears and laughter.

Up and down, up and down I’ve been riding the emotional teeter totter lately.  Some days I am better at it than others.

This morning I was reminded of these words:

Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again:  Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me – put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you.  Phil 4:4-9

He’s got this.  He is in control of the teeter totter.

My feet are lifted off the ground, I trust you Lord as you take me up and I trust the stings.  What I think are stings are just your mercies towards blessings on the ride.  When I look back at the ride, it is then I see your mercy and the ride is that much sweeter.

December’s Children

~ Denise ~ 1 Comment

Last week on the radio they were talking to callers about how they celebrated family members with December birthdays.  One caller went into great detail about how they waited to “celebrate” their daughter’s birthday until January when the Holidays were over, and how even one year they waited until after tax time and gave her extra money.

Seriously?

She really thought this was a good thing.

It made me sad for her daughter.

I wanted to remind this Mama (I am in the South), your daughter was born exactly when she was supposed to be, and for a particular reason!  Help your daughter appreciate this.  She doesn’t have to wait to celebrate that, in fact, it can be a special time of year for her.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well…All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.  Psalm 139:13,14,16

What a beautiful time of the year to be born and to celebrate one’s birthday!

We all came into this world as a helpless baby, dependent on someone.  What a special time of year to learn about who we can really be dependent on!

Don’t put off celebrating your December birthday to a less “hectic” month.  God choose the day you were born for a reason.

Celebrate the fact you can connect even closer to the one who came to deliver.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.  John 3:16,17

To those that share December birthdays…..I’ll say it again….

What a beautiful time of year to be born, and to celebrate!

“You Is”

~ Denise ~ 8 Comments

You is kind.

You is smart.

You is important.

Some of my favorite lines from the movie, The Help. (Kathryn Stockett)

I was reminded today of someone who made people feel that way when they talked to them.

Let me step back a moment first though.

I’ve recently started a part-time job, and one of the things that I’m trying to do is remember alot of new names and faces.  I was thinking about some of them this morning and also thinking about some of the little personal things that I already knew about them that is helping me remember and building that personal connection or relationship with them.

My community is expanding.

It is when we listen, share and learn something personal about the people around us that we can really learn to care and love each other.  The person who seems distant may be shy or have a relative in the hospital.  A seemingly imposing figure may just be a giant of a teddy bear.  How do we find this out?  By mainly taking the time to listen.

Too often when I’m busy, or when I’m “on a project” I can get so focused, I forget to listen.  I’m so engrossed with what I’m doing or what project I want to accomplish that I tune out what is happening around me.  I can get mired down in the details, particularly when there is a deadline, and focus so much on the details that anyone not working around me I can become critical of.  Sometimes I will tell the person, and sometimes I may not vocalize it, but I’m thinking it.  I’m talking about people doing their job, not just sliding by or passing the buck.

Working hard is okay, being judgemental isn’t.   As I’ve aged, matured I recognize the negative traits in me quicker.  I’m not proud of them, I’m just stating a truth.

Sigh.  Forgive me, Lord for my sins.  I’ll let you handle theirs.  Forgive my impatience.

I’m striving for a more balanced approach.  I’ve seen that example in Scripture, over and over.  (I must not be the only one that needs the constant reminder)  Jesus always took time to talk to people, made a personal connection with people.  Never too busy.

With this strived, balanced approach of being produtive and aware, I was thinking how could I show this to the people I have met?  Perhaps, asking one girl about her van that was in the shop, to show I was paying attention, or asking about the health of a loved one.

I started thinking, ‘I am never going to remember all this’.  (As mentioned, I’m maturing, i.e., mind can only hold so much).

I thought about someone in my life who had a knack for remembering names, details, it seemed about all the people she came in contact with.  I thought about my Aunt MaryAnn.

She had a way of making you feel special when you talked to her.  She remembered things about you.  You were important to her.  She asked questions.  She listened.

At her funeral, my cousin, Michael talked about her special gifts.  He said she had a way of always making you feel special, and when she talked to you and asked you questions, she really wanted to know about you and what was going on.  He said she was so interested in the lives of those she cared for and loved.  He talked about running into people that he hadn’t seen in a while who would know all about him and his family, because his Mom would have talked with them and was current with their families’ going’s on and vice versa.  (We are talking down to children and grandchildren!)

She was an encourager with her words.  You couldn’t stay down in the dumps.  She was a motivator, even during her battle with ovarian cancer.

My last, lengthly conversation with her was happy and bittersweet.  She wanted to know all about my family and how everyone was doing and what was going on.  She wanted to celebrate with me any accomplishments.  She had soothing words for family that is not around.  She had joyous words for loved ones around her.  She had peaceful, confident words for where she was going.  I was able to say goodbye, for now, and I love you.  Too often we don’t get that chance.

So, I’m thinking today about those around me.

Jesus feels the same way about them.  He feels the same way about me.  He feels the same way about you.

You is kind.

You is special.

You is important.

Fear

~ Denise ~ 8 Comments

Some people write their blogs and have the confidence to push the blue publish button without fear.

Some don’t.

Too often, I fall into the second group.  That is probably why I write in my journal more than I write here on my blog.

Fear of rejection.  Fear of ridicule.  Fear of my own failings.

Well, I’ve been thinking about fear.

It isn’t only in writing that fear rears it’s ugly head in my life.  I really don’t like writing that.  I like to think that I am a strong person.  Writing that sentence makes me feel weak.

I’ve thought about all the different areas that fear has influenced/influences me over the course of my life.

I’ve been a people pleaser, I’ve feared confrontation, I’ve feared ridicule for what I believe in and who I am.  I’ve feared getting hurt.  Fear of the unknown, I like a plan.

Some of those fears come back to haunt me now and then.  Sigh.

That is when I try to remind/question myself, ‘what is  at the root of my particular fear’?

When I get through the layers, and face it, for me it is a lack of trust.

I’m not trusting Him.

We’ve been walking through the book of Exodus on Sunday mornings at Sandhills Community Church.  (Podcasts are available on their webpage).

I am being reminded that we/I am like the Israelites.  They too had trouble with fear.  They too had trouble with trust.

Over and over God took the Israelites, or us  to dilemmas that they, or us  don’t know the answers for to see if we will call out to Him to provide.   For me it has been in areas of family relationships, health, finances and jobs.  Some of those He repeated, I obviously needed to learn something.   As He said to the Israelites, He is saying to me:  “Do you trust Me?”

As the Israelites were afraid of the unknown then, so am I at times.

Are you facing any fears/Egyptians today?  If so, I’d like to encourage you to try what has helped me.

Recognize the fear, give it to Jesus and then you will find you are no longer afraid.  Is it always easy?  No.  Is it worth it.  Yes!  Too often it is after the dilemma that we look back and see the blessing.  That is one thing I have noticed in reading my journal.  You can go back and see the blessings.  So I would encourage you to trust, be still, so you don’t miss it.  Blessings to you gentle reader!  No fear for that “blue publish button!”  🙂

“Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid.  Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring today.  The Egyptians you see today you will never see again.  The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.”  Exodus 14:13-14

“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”  Psalm 46: 10

“The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.”  Psalm 46:11

Just Some Words?

~ Denise ~ 2 Comments

Compassion –  definition of compassion:  sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it

On Thursday I drafted a post (which I’m now glad I didn’t post) about a blog that I stumbled upon around a year.  My original draft included a link to the blog; fellow bloggers like ping-backs and the recognition.  I’ve decided against naming the blog because of their recent post which was put up and then removed.

This blogger writes about their life after losing their job and returning to living with their parents.  Some posts I find down right funny.  The posts are well written.  Some posts I find sad.  I can feel the writer’s pain.  Some posts I wonder, even if there is a fictional aspect to the material, how the blogger’s parents (particularly the Mother) would feel if she read the blog.  I guess it is because I am slightly older, okay, middle age, fine, in my mid-50’s and probably close to the blogger’s mother’s age than I’d like to think about.  There have been times when I’ve wondered how would I feel if I knew my children were saying things like that about me?  I would be very hurt.  It’s like I want to know the rest of the story, why do they act the way they do?

Sometimes the way the blogger makes fun of them is well, just plain mean.  But that is just what I think at times.  I often think of the expression “hurting people, hurt people”.

I noticed last night the blogger wrote a post that their parents found out about their blog.  The blogger is trying to produce a web series and a family member posted about it.  Surprise, their parents found out about it.   Their post said it was “weird” at the house and their parents weren’t talking to them.  There were about 7 comments from people saying things like “no big deal”, “what is the harm” “it is comedy” things along those lines.  I rarely comment on that blog.  I choose to yesterday.  I could feel the pain of all of them.  I wanted to help in some way.  I prayed for the right words.  Sometimes, I’m not sure if I “hear” right or if I’m just going off in my own direction.  I finally just sent this off with a prayer:

Comedy can be funny, or it can be mean and is left up to the reader to discern.  Only you know the intentions behind your words.  Only you can explain what you meant to your parents or they are left to their own assumptions.  Talk to them and it won’t be weird anymore.  Don’t worry they will still give you lots of material.  🙂

Words spoken in anger, and hurt can not be taken back and always have consequences.  Words are powerful and accountable.

…For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.  The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.  But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgement for every careless word they have spoken.  For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned. – Matt. 12:14-37

I think about words that I have spoken in anger and hurt over the course of my life, and will probably be guilty of doing again. How about those thoughts, or words in my head, left unspoken, but heard by God?  Sigh.  None of us are exempt.

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.  If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.  1 John 1:8

Thankfully, there is forgiveness and peace for all who seek it.

This blogger reminds me to keep a watch over my words.

Search me, O God, and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.  Psalm 139:23-24

Thank you Jesus for forgiving me when I need it.  Thank you Jesus for all you have done for me/us.

I pray for Him to be known, really known in that family.  I pray for them to experience His peace.   My prayer is also for whomever reads this to experience His peace.